Here's a scene I adapted for a class at Art Center. It was originally a scene from David Mamet's screenplay "The Untouchables" between Kevin Costner and Sean Connery, two law enforcement officers. https://vimeo.com/89771519 It's a learning experience for me - I haven't written very much - so I'd love to hear opinions of what you think worked and what didn't work in the adaptation and why. See the original scene 16 minutes into the film "The Untouchables" (Netflix Streaming). It's when Sean Connery's character is first introduced on the bridge. Thank you for any feedback!
Screenwriting : Opinions on my scene adaptation (video) by Bryan Fugal
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Hey Bryan nicely made film. It just took me a moment to catch that these two people were father and son. They didn't really look alike, and I thought the Dad was quiet young. I know this is plausible they are family, the boy could even be adopted. But I think with a film this short you'd want to get that message across as quick and easy as possible. As I was watching it I was having thoughts unrelated to the plot - such as if the boy actually looks more like the mom, how close in age are these two, etc., and it took me out of the story a bit. I liked the music and the story itself was touching. It was sad that the Dad couldn't give the boy what he needed so bad in that moment, but that is also real to life. Parents aren't always perfect and it's hard to learn that when we need them the most! I also enjoyed that it opened with no dialogue. That could be boring but it really worked for me as I followed this kid around who's living in this silent hell.
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Wonderful feedback! It is very helpful. You brought up some good points that I'll have to keep in mind on future short projects. I'm glad you liked it. Thank you!