Screenwriting : Please provide feedback on my logline by Tiffany Heller Wambach

Tiffany I can't get the vibe of what the genre is from this. If I was reading this I would wonder if it's a satire-comedy, or a thriller. Can you provide more details about the story?

Thank you for asking, Melissa. That is good feedback in itself. It's a dark comedy. Do you have a suggestion on how to correct that?

Intriguing idea! It certainly got my attention but I find the end confusing. Maybe some hint as to how on earth that could happen? The premise, up to the part "using themselves as bait," is compelling, and it's good to create story questions. But not when they leave you thinking huh, how could that happen? Ending up as serial killers is a bit vague. They accidentally kill someone and it turns out they like it? Or they're forced to kill in order to find the real serial killer? What is it that pushes them to the dark side? I'm also not sure of the genre here - could be black comedy, thriller, horror. Using the words "enthusiasts" and "road trip" makes me think black comedy but I'm not sure.

I get ya now. I would first suggest rewording the first part because putting enthusiast on the end of "two female serial killers" tripped me up, so I would first introduce their passion for studying this. I'm not sure how to re-word to capture the dark-comedy essence. Perhaps something like this: In an attempt to catch a famous serial killer, two female aficionados of serial killers take a road trip using themselves as bait but end up in a bizarre series of events that brings them closer to their subject matter than they had wished.

Try this - Two women, in an attempt to catch a serial killer, become what they seek.

Just a suggestion "Two curious and enthusiastic women use themselves as bait to catch a serial killer. Through their ordeal something clicks inside the women causing them to become serial killers themselves."

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the feedback. It has been VERY helpful.

I think you can drop the whole first clause, and I'm not sure that becoming killers themselves is the compelling part, but the idea they are serial killer groupies. How about: "Two female fans use themselves as bait to capture a famous serial killer and take a road trip they might not come back from." Edited: I just reread your comment about this being a dark comedy. Perhaps the logline could reflect that? You could use the descriptors of the main characters to set that tone? Maybe use "groupies" or "fangirls" instead of "enthusiasts," and end it with a flippant reference?

Anthony Moore hit the logline on the head. Its up to you to decide whether its going to be a cross between Monster (2003) and Kalifornia (1993). Or Scream (1996) meets Natural Born Killers (1994). Double female killers was tackled in Monster. Serial killer researchers caught up in the middle was explored in Kalifornia. Or you can take it in a totally different direction. Good Luck.

More great feedback. Thank you, all.

Here is my current revised version: Two girls take a road trip and use themselves as bait to catch a serial killer unintentionally becoming what they seek.

I like the first part of the original, and the last sentence of your revision. Whereas it shares how a story can change the protagonist. In an attempt to catch a famous serial killer, two female serial killer enthusiasts take a road trip using themselves as bait; unintentionally becoming what they seek.

I recommend an alternative to the word "enthusiasts"--too perky for such a morbid field of interest.

While I respect Tina's opinion I disagree. In all "Dark Comedy" type movies the killers are indeed enthusiastic. Even the heavy drama "Natural Born Killer's" the killers are enthusiastic. If it were a suspense I would use the term apprehensive, contemplative, unsure etc. With that in mind my opinion should bear no more weight than any other. One more word that could be used interchangeably is intrigue or intrigued.

I agree that for a dark comedy it is appropriate but since I wrote the log line I guess that's obvious ; ). I am new to Stage32 and I am truly in awe. So many people willing to provide input. I really am blown away. Thank you all again.