Here is the logline for our just-completed screenplay, Jasmine Absolute. Would you request this script? We'd welcome your feedback, please. A young African-American ad exec’s life spins out of control, and she must overcome her resulting meth addiction--and its tragic consequences--if she is to open a community center honoring her slain brother.
Screenwriting : LOGLINE: Jasmine Absolute by Carl Thompson
LOGLINE: Jasmine Absolute
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This isn't the kind of movie I'd watch, which doesn't mean it's not good. I do have some questions. Meth addict and holding a an ad-ex job doesn't seem likely (at least not for long). It's one of the harder addictions to hide because of personality changes and physical ravages. And the stakes don't seem high enough. There's no urgency in opening the community center. She could do it this year, or twenty years from now and accomplish the same goal. Contrast that with say trying to win custody of her daughter. That's an immediate goal with dire consequences and she has one shot to get it right - higher stakes. And higher stakes are compelling.
A young woman must somehow balance her perils of addiction and adversity in the midst of trying to open a community center in the name of her fallen brother. Just a suggestion but this might be a tough sell with "Breaking Bad" and movies exploring the apex. I don't know much about the screenplay but it could appeal to human struggle on Lifetime, A&E, Bet, etc. Good luck though.
It seems a little wordy. Maybe simpler like: A closet meth addict tries to gain back control of her life and open the community center honouring her murdered brother.
http://www.writersstore.com/writing-loglines-that-sell/
You don't need the.... and it's tragic consequences... it speaks for itself... love the log line suggested... says it all.
Ami nailed it here, however as a producer I would prefer it if the story hinged on the following (though this is my personal preference, and not meant to be nitpicking - sorry Ami): A closet meth addict tries to gain back control of her life BY OPENING a community center honouring her murdered brother.
Yes Rich that flows a bit better. :-)
:) Art unto itself these loglines... sooo hard to do. I admire your work on them.
Nice one Rich.....
Some very nice responses here, and food for thought. I think Alle nailed the real idea that we're trying to convey at the core of the story, though: the antagonists are the meth addiction and her insecurities. This being a drug story, there ARE several bad guys, especially her supplier, but the challenge, the main CONFLICT, of the story, is the struggle with the addiction--how it appears to make her feel like a queen at first, before it almost destroys everything. My thought process--cobbled together from several sources over the years--in constructing my logline was: "(person/personality we meet in act I) is trying/compelled to do X, but Y is standing in his/her way. " While I love, love, love Ami's succinct take, our main character doesn't start out as a meth addict. Her fall from where she starts is a vital story element. Her addiction is the nemesis, rather than a character trait she starts with.
I think what is so great about these "feedback" requests is that it gives the writer more options in wording and ideas on how to refine things a bit. Also having strangers with no idea about the script (what a potential producer will be) giving honest feedback. Every producer will be looking for something different and come from a different background, so getting a variety of opinions is great - even if you don't change it at all. At least it's given you something different to think about. Everyone's opinions matter, because the logline should suck the reader in, producer or not.
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Ami, I think you're right. It also provides insight into process. If writers started with the logline, and polished the basis of their story until the logline crackled before writing the screenplay, it would result in much less rewriting and much better stories. We tend to do it the other way around, and only find out after the screenplay is written while struggling with the logline, that maybe the conflict should have been more compelling and immediate.
Alle, it seems like in the time it took you to read a 1000 bad scripts you could have written a couple good ones yourself ready for production this year, instead of waiting for something that looks like may never come your way. Make your own destiny happen, that's what I'm doing. :-)