Screenwriting : Logline Help? by Herb Ham

We're going to need more information. What's the story? Who's the protagonist?

Hi Herb. More info would be good. I'm not sure what killing skies are?

My suggestion: "A young pilot must survive brutal aerial dogfighting over Nazi Germany to return to his one true love."

Ah pilots. Hence killing skies. Could you outline the story a bit more? It's not clear from the logline what the hook is, in other words what makes this story stand out from other heroic war stories.

a British pilot must find and rescue his dance hall lover who was sent to Auschwitz.

I though the lovers were birds.

Is it a bird, is it a plane, no it's....

He looks up and get hit with something wet. "Oh it is a bird."

Thank you for your many very helpful comments. Here are some details based on a true story. 1. Young lovers from Oklahoma elope after he is drafted into the Army Air Corps in WWII. Unable to live on his salary they quickly go broke and she returns home. 2. In order to support his wife he gives up his safe job as an airplane mechanic and volunteers to be a gunner on bombers. He gets an instant promotion and a raise. 3. He is sent to England and must survive 30 bombing missions in order to come home. He also must survive the growing effects of PTSD as the missions progress. 4. She returns home to face the loneliness of separation and the temptation of comfort in another man's arms. 5. She must also face the horror of that first telegram from the War Department telling her that her husband is missing in action somewhere in Germany. Then the second telegram comes. He is a Prisoner of War in Germany. 6. She now faces extreme loneliness as months go by without any word. 7. He now faces near starvation at Stalag Luft IV in Poland. 8. 10,000 starving American POWs begin the 500 mile Stalag Luft IV Death March as they head west to escape the approaching Russian army. 9. He survives and makes his way to her. 10. He is not the same man she said good bye to one year earlier. Without warning, and for at least the next forty years, he suddenly goes catatonic, staring blankly into space calling out her name.

An American prisoner of war must escape the most dangerous Stalag in Poland to reunite with his lover.

A young US airman gives up a safe job to risk his life in the skies over Nazi Germany. He faces his greatest physical and mental challenges yet as he must brave starvation and appalling conditions to make his way back to the woman he loves.

Anton that sounds like a pitch more than a 25 word log line and good stuff too. How about a US airman risks his life to escape from a Nazi prison camp in order to reunite with his troubled and estranged wife. = 25 words

Yeah it's a little long, I know. (A small point, but he doesn't actually escape as such. The Germans evacuated many PoW camps in the face of the Russian advance and force-marched the prisoners westward 100s of miles in terrible winter conditions.) How about: A US airman leaves a safe job to risk his life in the skies over Nazi Germany and then must endure a gruelling Death March to reunite with his estranged wife.

the only reason I'm doing this is they say it should be 25 words or less and I know it's pedantic but, US airman risks his life bombing the skies over Nazi Germany, then must endure a grueling Death March to reunite with his estranged, troubled wife. It cheats a little but = 25

Twenty-five words is a guideline, not a rule; no one out there is counting them. If it feels long, it is - but if it conveys the story & characters simply, clearly, and briefly, then it works. Same thing goes for an entire screenplay, and the page count.

Andy, So which Logline is better? Adam or Dillon

If you stick too rigidly to 25 words, you risk it being just an exercise in brevity and not getting the gist of the film over. This story has quite a lot to it. I agree 50 words is probably pushing it but 30-35 no problem.

So far none of them have truly conveyed the drama of the story or the heart of the characters. In trying to summarize most of what happens, it's easy to provide too much detail without really hitting on the main hook of the story. In this case, the main hooks seems to be a prisoner of war trying to survive and get back to his wife. Focus on that, leave out the unnecessary details of how this situation came to be, and it should clear up.

A US airman shot down over Nazi Germany finds he must endure the harshest challenge of his life to reunite with his estranged wife.

Lose "finds," and describe the wife as something other than "estranged." From the details provided above, she's at home while he's at war - that isn't being estranged; it's separated by necessity. As for "endure the harshest challenge of his life" - doesn't mean anything. Just a vague way of saying he has a tough time, but we know he's having a tough time; he's at war. Even if he weren't at war, this is where you'd define the conflict, so just saying he's in a conflict is like saying nothing. What is the challenge? What must he survive to get back to her? This is where you need some of those details about the camp and the death march.

I'm enjoying this! Keeps the old brain ticking over. OK, how about: A US airman captured in Nazi Germany must endure the terrible deprivations of a labour camp and a Death March through a war-ravaged Europe and the blizzards of winter to reunite with his wife.

An American POW has to escape Nazi Germany, in a grueling Death March to reunite with his beloved but troubled wife.

Anton, that's too long. Dillon, "troubled" is too vague. And why do we keep seeing "Death March" capitalized? This is not a widely recognized historical event that's become a proper noun, so, let's stop treating it as something people should be familiar with and just use the words to describe the character's struggles. How about something like: "A U.S. Air Force gunner, one of ten thousand starving prisoners of war in Nazi Germany, must survive a 500 mile death march to get back to his wife, who doesn't know he's alive." Even that's a bit long, but it covers the basics, and though it doesn't feel like it has anything extra, some detail could still be cut and it would make sense, it would have a hook. The important thing is to write a sentence people can read and get enough detail, a sense of the story, without having to stop and think about what something means or ask questions in order to understand a story point or the relationship between characters…include as much information as needed is as short a space as possible but make sure it flows.

I was interested in the death march. I don't know why he capitalized it in the first place but I never considered changing it. And I didn't really have much to say about the wife but wanted to give her at least one adjective. But I think Herb is getting his money worth out of this thread. I am still learning.

I am deeply grateful for the many comments. I am especially grateful for witnessing the interchange between each of you. I have just read these latest comments today. Over the weekend I wrote: "An American airman must survive a Nazi POW death march to get to his frantic wife who doesn't know if he is dead or alive." It may not be a winner, but hopefully it demonstrates progress on the learning curve. Again let me say how grateful I am to each of you for sharing your insights.

Hi Herb, you have a great true story there. The trick with loglines is to encapsulate the essence of your story. This story is so big it could be two screenplays. My gut reaction is to focus on one aspect of your story -- and the one that gets resolved the most dramatically speaking is his imprisonment and return to his lover, while she has to cope without him. So I would not dwell on the 30+ missions, amazing as that is, but on his ordeal as a prisoner. Screenplays need to be simple stories. The fact your story is too long is reflected in the vagueness of the logline. You simply have too much to fit in. The story here seems to be a young man who volunteers to go to war, gets imprisoned in a horrible POW camp, is presumed MIA, and has to survive long enough to make it back, while she struggles to deal with losing him. So I would focus on that both in the logline and in the script. I think it also makes for a more original script. That's my opinion, anyway.

It would be simpler to break it up into 2 stories maybe a franchise.