Hi. As part of my story, I have a submissive Mennonite woman as the protagonist. I was thinking that the story was going to be about personal empowerment (Mennonite ethics aim at the disappearance of individuality and self-interest. In conservative Mennonite communities women are powerless and being submissive is not a vice, but a virtue). This is what I got as a feedback from a friend of mine: "I think this would have played 100 years ago, but the fact you have to reach into the Mennonite community today in order for it to make any sense at all tells me it's a little played out. I don't really want to discourage you from writing about the topic, but it seems like a horribly old fashioned idea at this point to me. I'm NOT saying it doesn't happen, but holy poo most of the stories I'm seeing are beyond this now; "Hunger Games," "Divergent." It's not that women have to come "up" to the level of men, but have far exceeded them." That changes everything for me. What do you think? Any additional advice? Thank you in advance.
Screenwriting : Story about personal empowerment by Arturo Acevedo
Story about personal empowerment
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The Hunger Games is based on a concept from Roman times.
Thank you CJ and Lyse for your reply. The log-line is this: "In an isolated Mennonite community, a submissive woman defies her society when she secretly investigates the death of her twin sister, who she believes was the victim of rape and murder by a sexual predator."
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I think it sounds like it has good potential, Arturo, I'd drop the last section of the logline though. It really comes down to how engaging the investigation story is and how compelling the Mennonite world can be. The danger here is being overly driven by theme and message and thus becoming too preachy and depressing as a result. There's a great movie worth watching called Son Of Rambow where the main story is this wonderful tale of two mismatched kids making their own movie but there's this substory were one is a Plymouth Baptist and has had curiosity and creativity quashed. To be honest, the bit of feedback you've posted isn't very high quality feedback. Based on that extract, I wouldn't take the person who gave it to you too seriously.
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Sounds great, actually. I'm sure you could make a character's empowerment throughline universal and modern. I mean, hell, we've all at times felt beat down by forces stronger than we are. If this community had a very strong incentive to keep her from investigating and used its communal strictures as a bludgeon... I'm getting a Winter's Bone vibe.
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Hey Arturo, I think your friend's opinion should have little bearing on your story. I suspect your friend does not quite understand "story" or even theme for that matter. Your story is of someone who must rise above her social standing and a male dominated society to achieve her goal. It is a story of courage and inner strength. It also sounds interesting because you are bringing your audience into a world/culture that many probably are not familiar. :) One comment I have about your logline -- it has some redundancies; death, murder, rape, sexual predator. Perhaps simplifying the ending would help: "In an isolated Mennonite community, a submissive woman defies her society when she secretly investigates the death of her twin sister, who she believes was the victim of a sexual predator." Best wishes to you!
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I, too, think this one friend's opinion should not change everything for you. Unless your friend is a well connected, film industry insider. Then his opinion might hold some weight. Even then you shouldn't allow one opinion to change everything for you. We can all list a number of scripts connected film industry pro's said would not work - but did. My question to you is why does this friend hold so much weight in your creative decisions?
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Thank you very much everybody! I really appreciate your advises. I will make the adjustments to the log-line as recommended and continue working in the path I was. It has been great reading your opinions. Thank you!
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I agree, I think anyone who uses the words "holy poo" in their notes probably isn't someone you need to take with a great deal of weight. I like Beth's logline suggestion. And I think setting a thriller like that in that type of community could be original. It worked for Witness.
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I like your logline. But I don't know if you need the word "submissive." I think that's implied already by "Mennonite" and "defies." Just my opinion.
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Yeah, I thought about that too... but I do like all three; "isolated," "submissive" and "defies." Those words clearly set up the stakes and the character arc. Many people may not be aware of Mennonite culture or its variations. They are not Amish, although both groups do have some similarities. They both agree on basic Christian doctrine but differ in how they interpret the ways in which those practices should be lived out. I grew up in Minnesota and there were several Mennonite churches but those congregations were much more lax, modern. The group in this story sounds far more orthodox. And, without those choice words, this story could sound like any other murder mystery. Just my two cents... :)