THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES

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THE MONEY TREE
By David Dicaire

GENRE: Crime
LOGLINE:

After an unlikely thief disrupts a money payoff, he sets out to steal as much as possible. However, the goal of rebuilding his shattered life comes with high stakes.

SYNOPSIS:

On a cloudy winter day, Abe Dundas watches Richard T. Savage grab an envelope pregnant with cash from a hole in a tree in the state park, and casually puts it in his pocket. Two weeks later, knowing that the window of opportunity is tenacious, he steals the envelope and sets three characters on a path of self-destruction. When Savage reaches for the money and it is gone, the seamless arrangement with his ‘client’ Bert Nostrum is forever altered creating a crack of mistrust and suspicion.

For the next few months, the tension builds, as Abe steals multiple payoffs, while dealing with a multitude of personal issues. Bert, a chronic gambler, enters the dark world of art forgery in order to pay for the heavy debt he has incurred. Richard, the womanizer, treats them unfairly leaving behind a trail of vengeful, bitter women.

When Abe is finally caught, he goes into hiding holding an innocent woman hostage at gunpoint overnight. Eventually, bits and pieces of the story emerges. Bert wife’s who was aware of his theft, ends their marriage and kicks him out. One of Richard’s paramours, a much younger woman, is pregnant with his child bringing down shame on the proud businessman.

Over time, the wheels of justice delivers a harsh sentence to all three. Bert is caught and charged in the art forgery scam. Richard purposely walks in front of a van and is killed instantly. Abe escapes, but his heart is destroyed when the young girl that rekindled love in him is killed.

Tasha Lewis

Rated this logline

Maurice Vaughan

Hey, David Dicaire. I think your logline needs more details. Something like: "After a _____ (adjective) thief disrupts a money payoff, he/she tries to/attempts to/struggles to/sets out to/etc. _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

David Dicaire

Hey Maurice Vaughan, thanks for the suggestions. I have updated the logline and think it is much better.

David Dicaire

Tasha Lewis, I think you will give the new logline a much better rating.

Maurice Vaughan

You're welcome, David Dicaire. I think your updated logline has too many details. I suggest stripping it down to the bare details (I like mentioned in my other comment).

I also suggest removing the names from the logline. Example: Instead of "Abe," I suggest putting "a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role)*."

It's best to keep a logline to one or two sentences. Also, I think there are extra spaces between your sentences.

David Dicaire

Hey, Maurice, thanks for the advice. I think I finally got it right. LOL.

Nate Rymer

Rated this logline

Robin Gregory

Hey David Dicaire. Loglines are such a mystery! I can see you've been tweaking this one mercilessly. Forgive me, but I think it needs another tweak. For example: the word "disrupts" stops me. I 'm wondering if the disruption is purposeful or if he messed up. Since he goes after more money, I'm assuming is was a bungled effort.

I wonder if you can be more specific:

After an unlikely thief (bungles?) a money payoff, he sets out to steal as much as possible (from a notorious crime boss? A drug dealer?) in order to (what part of his life is he rebuilding?).

David Dicaire

Hey Robin Gregory thanks for the feedback. You are very perceptive. I have been tweaking it mercilessly. lol. I will go back to the drawing board.

Maurice Vaughan

You're welcome, David Dicaire. Sorry, I didn't see your comment and the comment on your other logline page until today.

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