Great title, Evan Kornfeld! I think your logline needs more information. Here’s a logline template that might help:

“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).