Great title and unique concept, Chris Pickenpaugh.

I think your logline needs some work. It's more of a pitch than a logline right now.

Here’s a logline template that might help:

“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw that the main character has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the main character’s personality) _______ (the main character’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (the main flaw that the main character has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the main character’s personality) _______ (the main character’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).

Maurice Vaughan - Thanks. Appreciate the time.

FYI - I sweat over the title (still). Hardly perfect, but by far the best I've come up with.

My understanding is a 'logline' is a few sentences used to entice a would-be interested party — get them to say "I gotta hear more about that" — and a 'pitch' is the 'more about that,' i.e., the story condensed to a few minutes (longer if encouraged) that you tell said party once you're 'in the room.'

I do think it'll help my logline to work in the inciting better, at least more clearly. My synopsis is purposefully incomplete — don't want to give any plot points away. I might work in more of a 'taste' of the story if it's too vague to be the dangled carrot.

You're welcome, @Chris Pickenpaugh.

Yeah, a logline is used to entice a would-be interested party, but a logline is only one or two sentences.

"My synopsis is purposefully incomplete — don't want to give any plot points away." You actually want to write a complete synopsis/give plot points away. Producers and directors are turned off by vagueness in synopses (and loglines and pitches). I wouldn't want you to miss out on opportunities.

Maurice Vaughan — I'll revise my logline. Re: synopsis: I wouldn't be vague when taking a meeting with , say, a prodco — I'd lay out the whole story soup to nuts if they want — but here there's no legal buffer. Seems imprudent at best.

EDIT: Revised the logline. Seems more in keeping with the formula, but also more pedestrian as a lure.

I think your logline is a lot better, @Chris Pickenpaugh. A suicidal guy trying to keep someone alive. That's unique and intriguing!