Jennifer: I've not been produced as a screenwriter, but I'm coming from more than 20 years as a writer and editor in the newspaper industry, so take what I say with both of those things in mind. I like where I see this going. You're doing a good job of hinting at the relationships among the four main characters. The one thing I would suggest that would immediately make sense is tell us early in the script that Desiree is looking for clues to what happened to her brother. Nothing in the pages you've written give us that, although the logline says so. Also, although you give a distinct voice to each character, sometimes their dialogue goes on too long. People don't really talk that way, even when explaining complicated machinery. There are pauses, interruptions, other actions in the room. Use all of these to help break up the long dialogue blocks. On Page 2, Desiree has a long block of dialogue that sounds like she's reading from a history book. It doesn't sound like a person relating what they've found out. Selecting more conversational words instead of formal verbiage will make this flow more naturally. And make sure you have somebody proofread your material for typos, grammatical issues, etc. I found a couple in the few pages you have. Over the course of a 100-110 page script, those will add up. It appears you're using a formatting drop-in for Word, or perhaps something that came with Word, but it looks more like stage play formatting to me. For one thing, all those wrylies (parentheticals) that describe action should be broken out into action blocks. If you genuinely want to break into screenwriting, you're going to want to invest in formatting software at some point. It does all the work for you and you can concentrate on your writing. The two best are Final Draft and Movie Magic Screenwriter. Each costs about $250, but if you can convince them you're still in school (valid student ID?) you can get a full function Educational version of the software for about half that. You can also find them on EBay for less money but you want to be VERY CAREFUL that you are getting a new version, not one where somebody has used 1 or 2 of the allotted registrations. (Experience speaking here) Also, if you go that route, make sure the seller has a high rating and that you're not getting an academic version unless you can qualify. If that's not in the budget, at minimum Google "screenwriting format" and you'll find several sites that will give you examples of how film formatting is done. But keep writing. Listen to people talk around you and pick up the cadence of language. It helps tremendously in the writing of dialogue. And one last thing: Thank you for your service to our country.

Thanks for the input Bob. I am using a format from Word. This is only draft 1 so I'm expecting a lot of errors and editing in later copies. Unfortunately money's kinda tight right now, but I will definitely look into some software to make life easier. Sorry for the theatrical format (I am a theater arts major after all) ;)

I've taken a look, I also like the ideas you have. Although as a new writer I don't want to be too harsh. I would suggest looking at Celtx. This is a free software which you can use and although isn't quite as good as Final Draft it serves a good job and is very helpful in making it so much easier. Also if you want to learn more, you need to read more scripts. I'd recommend www.talentville.com Being in some films will help you see more visually and understand dialogue more than others, but in this version it does need a cut, can be a bit long. But you are off to a good start, wanting to learn and posting stuff takes courage, you have a lot of that. :) Dawn

Thanks Dawn. I take criticism with a grain of salt as that is a way to learn and become better :)

I have three book recommendations for you. "Save The Cat", "Save The Cat Strikes Back" both by Blake Snyder and "Writing Movies For Fun and Profit" by Robert Ben Garant & Thomas Lennon. All three are great easy quick reads. I think they well help in getting started.