LOVE IT!!!!!!

Hey, Victor. I gave this sentence a low rating because it is not a logline; it's a premise. Or rather it's a tag line. A logline is a concise summary of the narrative; there's no narrative given. I'm happy to delete my rating should you post a logline to consider.

Okay, I just read the first 2 pages and part of page 3 and glanced ahead up to page 5... the formatting looks good, but watch your redundancies. Also, there isn't much character development nor any sense of these characters, really. Likewise, there's no sense of the story world either. It reads very flat, one-noted, and superficial. Would like a personal name for "The Slayer." He is introduced in this opening slash fest as "The Slayer" but then in the following scene he's just sitting with "Patricia," I assume his girlfriend, watching this CD or evidence that he's taken, and you have him named in dialogue as "The Slayer"—that's a problem. It does not humanize him. Sooooo, is he just sitting there in his slayer costume? Or he is a person? The sudden flashback to what happened to him as a child does nothing to create any empathy either, nor any real sense of motivation. And, sorry, but the opening comes across as misogynistic. Some man comes in and brutally and violently kills four women. I understand they are "witches," but I strongly suggest you make it clear that they appear to be women but they are something else. You then, which of course, utterly and completely lost me at "Gotcha, bitch!" That's where I abruptly stopped reading. Sorry, it's a bit eye-rolling in its sexism and rather too on-the-nose. My two cents, perhaps start when this "slayer" person is a child and set this world up, build a sense of this guy and who he is as a human being. Then jump forward. Perhaps look at the movie Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. Victor, I suggest exploring different openings for your story. As written it really didn't work, at least for me. I'm sorry if this comes across as "negative” because I sincerely mean this to be constructive and objective. I truly think much more work is needed to better set up and fully develop this script. Hope that helps some. ;)