THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
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DAVID'S WAR
By Pablo A. Rajczyk
The line between victim and perpetrator goes awry when an encounter between a journalist and a white supremacist turns unexpectedly violent.
SYNOPSIS:
As a journalist specializing in hate crimes, David Green is all-too familiar with controversial topics. But when a member of a neo-Nazi group shows up at David’s home, the controversy he’d researched from a relatively safe distance explodes into his life. “Enhanced interrogation,” “extraordinary rendition,” and “aggressive examination” are all terms he’s very familiar with. But when faced with the very real proposition in his own house, the concepts of right and wrong become muddled. David finds no easy answers in an internal struggle whose outcome may mean the difference between freedom and imprisonment, life and death.
DAVID'S WAR
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Any and all constructive comments are more than welcome. Thanks.
1 person likes this
One thing I'm seeing as I begin to read. I don't think you should generally have up to eight lines of description in one big block. Try and keep it to a maximum of around four to five lines. I'm not sure if others will agree, but I hope this helps.
Second what Gavin said. Should be a maximum of four lines of action. Also too much unnecessary description and camera directions.
I think you're both right that there are some obvious structural improvements that can be made. I read a lot more prose than I read scripts and I think that obviously leaks into my writing. There are some redundancies and unnecessary exposition. I was also hoping to get some feedback on the story, or even just the general premise. Thanks again.
Hi Pablo A logline and/or synopsis is supposed to grab someone's attention enough to for them to invest time reading a 90+ page script. What is the story? A white white supremacist turns up at a journalists house and things turn violent? I felt the the synopsis just tells what the main character knows and feels. On screen you should only write what you can see and hear. Internal struggles are for novels. All the best. L