THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
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SPEND TRUST TO MAKE TRUST
By Brian Joseph Spero Jr.
SYNOPSIS:
Underappreciated secretary Janet must save the data security company of her micro-manager boss Bill from sabotage by her co-workers, so Bill teaches her how to stand up for herself and tells her if she fails…He’ll drag her down with him. Janet interrogates employees to weed out those involved in the plot by any means, while the saboteurs start leaking secure info, all while trying to prevent future conflict by making Bill change…Before he changes her.
SPEND TRUST TO MAKE TRUST
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Rated this logline
The premise has a potential, but the execution is just disappointing. As in most scripts by beginners, the first page is filled with overwritten descriptions, which unfortunately weren't written with a skillful hand at the very least. Another thing that stood out is the dialogue. It's awfully on-the-nose and does not come off as natural.
Overall, this could use a major rewrite or a few. At the moment this reads like an amateur's script, including all the beginner mistakes.
Knowing what the first page looks like, I did not continue reading so I couldn't even get to the story itself to review it, sorry.
But don't be discouraged. Continue working! Continue practicing! Maybe someday I'll be back to see if you brought this piece of material to professional standards and I'll read past page 1. Because the premise is not bad... But the execution is still what really matters.