THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
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ROGUE
By Gary Davis
SYNOPSIS:
The protagonist James Rogue, is desperate to convict gangboss David Farrell for a series of crimes, including the killing of his partner Ben Parker. After the opportunity arise and Rogue arrests Farrell, Rogue is forced to work with Farrell to rescue their partners who have been kidnapped by Farrell’s rival Simon Winston. After Rogue and Farrell complete Winston’s time exhausting task, they play to exchange five million for the women. Winston decides to change the plot and send his men out to kill Rogue and Farrell. Rogue and Farrell are saved when Rogue’s partner comes back from the dead. The three men team together to bring down Winston and rescue the women. During the journey, Rogue discovers his partner is responsible for a number of killings they had been investigating, and Farrell starts to realize the love of his women is worth more than his position of power. Through blood and bullets, they put their differences to literally try and bring the Winston’s house down.
ROGUE
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1 person likes this
I only read the first five pages. I did see that you left out the T for "The" . In the dialogue about calling in "The Cleaners". Also you have to introduce all characters in UPPERCASE that speaks. Eric and Rick was never introduce, they just came on scene and began to exchange dialogue with one another. You have to introduce them. It can be as simple as this "Two low-life thugs up to no good enters the room. ERIC AND RICK. They make their way towards the hanging corpse." You don't have to take my suggestions, just lending a hand to another writer. Best of luck
You had two typos on page one. "and WE'LL be waiting." and "LET'S worry about" and your dialogue has too much exposition. BUT your white space looks great, and I think the way a script looks goes far, so I'll give it a read in a week and give you some feedback.
I've only read up to page 8, so I don't know how much help I can be, but I do have to say I like where it is going so far. My only issue at this point is that there's really nothing to make me love/hate your characters. As much as I can say this is a problem I suffer from as well, It's also something you notice easily as an audience member or reader. Kind of like how you don't have to be a musician to know you don't like a song.
Thank you all for your input. This is all good advice. Making changes as noticed and recommended