Hi, I'm Hugh.
I'm in my 70th year and I'm a passenger in a virtual express train that is not only not slowing down as it carries me closer to the sunset years of my life, it is accelerating. As I gaze out at the horizon, I can clearly see the landscape of my life. But my immediate view outside the w...
Expand postHi, I'm Hugh.
I'm in my 70th year and I'm a passenger in a virtual express train that is not only not slowing down as it carries me closer to the sunset years of my life, it is accelerating. As I gaze out at the horizon, I can clearly see the landscape of my life. But my immediate view outside the window is a blur of rushing unconnected impressions which compels me to move faster and take on more challenges in an effort to keep up with the rapid passing of time.
Trouble is, I know this is not the way to maximize output as the time available diminishes. Nothing would slow down the impression of being imprisoned on a runaway train better than if I were to simply attach myself to one of those flashing images and hold on to it, commit myself single-mindedly to it, love it, nurture it, and develop it as far as I can. But for me, that seems an almost impossible task.
Throughout my adult life, I have attempted to cram in as many experiences and try my hand at as many different undertakings as possible. I thought it was the key to life. To learn as much as you could about everything, to experience as much as possible even if that meant just a taste or feeling about what something might be like, and to reflect on this accumulating knowledge and experience through a blend of imagination, insight and introspection.
From a creative point of view, I have worked in all aspects of film production as an actor, writer, producer, director, editor; in music as a performer, composer, producer; in advertising as a copywriter, art director, creative director, tv commercial producer/director, jingle writer/producer; in art as a painter, sculptor, illustrator, graphic designer; in radio and television as a writer, producer, presenter; in publishing as a journalist, editor, photographer; in theater as an actor, director, producer, set designer, stand up comic (I even once owned a 1200 seat theater not to mention two restaurants and a jazz club); in special events as a writer, designer, choreographer, producer - the list goes on.
And I'm honestly not trying to brag at all. I'm just trying to exemplify the extent of my dilemma. To round out the picture here, let me add that for over 40 years I have traveled the globe by hitchhiking, buses and trains, motorcycles, desert convoys, even dugout canoes down African rivers and through the Amazon, finding work when I ran out of money in countries as diverse as Niger, Cambodia and Greece to name a few . I have learned to speak at least 10 languages, not fluently necessarily, but well enough to carry on general conversations, find work when needed and establish a close rapport with the locals.
I earned a pilot's license when 17 and went on to teach myself to paraglide, fly ultralights and skydive as well as scuba dive. As part of my never ending goal to gain knowledge, my reading has included every subject conceivable from philosophy to physics, anthropology to architecture, economics to ecumenicism, you get the picture. I think I must have one of the world's largest collections of How To books in my personal library.
But what does all this prove? Nothing other than I am incapable of imposing self-limitations, and absolutely unable to focus my attention on one task, one talent, one true purpose in life. And what have I gained as a result of this obsession with accumulating knowledge and experience and continually contemplating the meaning of life, this insatiable curiosity to see what is over the next hill?
Well, on a positive note I would say I have achieved the following - to feel what it might be like to stand in another person's shoes, to learn and experience a little bit about everything and seek insight, understanding and personal growth through intuition, introspection and further investigation, to conquer doubt, worry and fear and approach challenges with faith, confidence and determination, to resist prejudging anyone or anything and focus on finding inner beauty, underlying truths and the little joys that connect us all, to question all things and be open to all possibilities.
These are the kinds of ideas that propel me towards my personal destination and optimistically provide others along the way with a few good laughs, some warm feelings and a memory or two worth sharing.
On the other hand, the negative side you might say, I have never been able to focus my attention on one principal aspect of my being and develop it to the best of my ability. Whether it be painting, playing the piano, or producing meaningful prose or poetry. The latter more than anything.
I want to write a book, a play, a filmscript, a musical...you see, even in that one creative area, I can't confine myself to one type of undertaking. I have so many ideas and outlines written down and filed away but I’m incapable of committing to one storyline or one form and start creating. In the past, much of my creative output was catalyzed by specific requests from someone else who would say, I need such and such and I believe you can do it for me. And that statement of confidence motivated me to produce whatever it was they were asking for be it an article, a script, an ad, a song. At other times, it was a negative statement - you'll never be able to do that - that would drive me to prove them wrong.
But these days, there are no such muses in my life. No Thalia, Euterpe, Erato or Calliope. Only a small nagging voice in the recesses of my mind that keeps reminding me the clock is ticking and I'm running out of time. I manage to convince myself that I can feel myself inching closer every day to the shoreline of an internal creative Rubicon and when the moment comes, I’ll have no choice but to sit down and fulfill my destiny compelled by a sudden inexplicable drive to expel a lifetime’s accretion of empiricism in meaningfully imaginative forms of creative expression.
But deep down, I know that’s wishful thinking at best. A Walter Mitty approach to creative fulfillment as I discover my true calling not by a steady effort that sees expressive explorations evolve from unsteady steps to confident strides, but by a mind-blowing mystical moment that transforms me in one blinding epiphanic instant from being creatively recumbent to running like the wind.
It’s not going to happen. I know it. I know I dan’t wait for a muse to magically materialize when I least expect it. I must bite the bullet, discipline myself and just do it. I hope I can come back to this forum sooner rather than later and let you know that I’ve found my footing and I’m back on the path making slow but satisfying progression in the direction my heart knows is right.
Think of it as sixty-ten.
Actually Jeff in my case I see it more like 20/50 or 30/40 which is probably not always a good thing cuz it fools me into thinking I still have lots of time to do all the things I want to do. By my ca...
Expand commentActually Jeff in my case I see it more like 20/50 or 30/40 which is probably not always a good thing cuz it fools me into thinking I still have lots of time to do all the things I want to do. By my calculations, it’s going to take another 50 years to fit it all in which to me means only one thing. 120 here I come.