Wow, Peter, and this is the logline I changed to after getting script coverage. Maybe I should revert to the original one.

This is the original one, that the reader canned.... A young and talented scientist, naively begins working on a mysterious government project only to later find out it hides a much darker purpose; however, when she attempts to break free, she discovers that her charming but super-villain boss has no intention of letting her leave the project anytime soon.

Would appreciate your thoughts on the original one??

Maybe take my rating with a grain of salt. I'm not a logline expert or anything. I was just going by if the logline caught my attention or not. Nothing really stood out in this one to me. The other two that I rated were much better in my opinion. Sorry if I came off as rude or inconsiderate. Keep up the hard work!

No your fine, Peter, I appreciate your honesty. I'm just going to go back to the original one that I came up with myself. I have another one too from different coverage I got (not from Stage 32 btw, someone else), but i dont really like it. It goes like this...A scientist who specializes in the effects that language has on the brain is recruited for a top secret government project, but eventually discovers she’s been assigned to control the minds of the masses.

Ok, i've changed it back to the way I had it day 1. Thanks for your help/. Note to self: trust intuition more :)

S.J. - The logline could be a bit shorter (about 35 words) and still encapsulate everything you want to say. You do a good job of highlighting your Protagonist in the Synopsis - but very little is said about the Antagonist. What is the purpose of experimentation on children? Why does the genocide of the children take place? In short - we know what is driving Rebeka, but not what is driving the Junior-Governor.

Having said that, I am intrigued and want to read more. So in my case, you've succeeded with the logline and synopsis!

Thanks a mill for feedback Gilberto, yes I am 15 words over with the logline. Haven't gotten around to fixing it yet! And would you believe, you are the second person who has said to me about the villain motives? Yes, I should make it more clear here. You see, it's a mystery unravelling so I am holding back a lot. He is creating a superior race, making what he sees as worthless to the future redundant. He is a man of total progressive science and has no compassion for others.

It's actually crazy to see how the screenplay has evolved tbh, as the book version was written entirely in the first person... imagine! I guess that is why protagonist motives are a lot more clear. If you would like an advance reader copy of the book, it's at http://www.vipmailinglist.net/ In the book, you really see all the events unfold from a very unique female perspective. The screenplay has become sth quite different entirely, however, and for me the evolution has been fascinating. I feel like I've changed, along with the character, if you know what I mean :)

Hi Tom only noticed your feedback now. Thank you for your generous commentary! Love the tweaks, will incorporate. Yes the villain is charming and he puts forward his vision so masterfully that it can be quite convincing, even for Rebeka (using ideas of Darwin and survival of the fittest etc.) Vis-a-vis the chipping, you would be surprised at how many people are unaware of this. I think it is kind of people who follow tech who really are aware of it, the vast majority are not. My hope and intention is that this script will close the divide, so more people can understand the dangers it potentially poses as we look towards the future. Thanks again and happy to have you in my network! If can return the favour, let me know

I agree a lot with what Tom pointed out. It could benefit you to set the story in the present or near future since this technology is available today in its infancy. Was this adapted from a novel? I agree, make her leaving a life and death situation in the logline. Lose the comparisons in the tag and the synopsis. It can stand on its own with optimal wording. here's a go at what I see as your logline without reading your synopsis. because if the logline doesn't move the reader, there will be no request for the synopsis or script.

"When a noteworthy scientist discovers the project she’s assigned to, holds a darker purpose, her attempts to escape puts her family in a life and death situation and at the mercy of her charming yet sinister boss."

I hope this helps. ( I really don't like using the "charming yet .." Caring yet selfish" type of descriptions and I'm trying to get away from using them myself.)

Hi Keith, why the 3 star rating for the updated logline that Tom suggested? I really like his suggestions and think it is way better than it was before. It also fits in with the actually story, which is important.

Re putting the story in the the present day/near future makes no sense, as while this technology is in its infancy today, there is a very interesting take on it in the story. It is an alternative world too, which would not translate to an audience well if set in the present day. If the Hunger Games were set in the present day, it would be hard for people to really use their imagination to be "transported" be the story.

I'm sorry S. J. maybe I read the previous logline. But, I can only go by what's in the logline. I didn't see any reference to a "futuristic world, or 'in 2098" in the logline. On first contact with a reader, perspective buyer, in a proper query - all they've got to go by is your logline, to decide on whether to send you out a release for the pitch and/or script. I think we do a disservice here if we don't stick primarily to the effect one's logline has on you - The setting, essential to story should always be in the logline, especially if its in a futuristic world, or a period piece. Just my opinion.

W Keith Sewell would the nutshell comparison to Hunger Games-style world not be enough to indicate it is set in a futuristic dystopia? I don't really know how you could fit more into the logline otherwise.. any thoughts?

I may have missed this in the comments but this would be a great idea for a series, if you were only thinking Feature. I definitely like this one the best.

Thanks Michael, yes it is a series of 3. Was asked before about making into TV series but there is a definite end so wouldn't work. Thanks for taking time to comment.

www.logline.it

Thanks Cheryl Lynn Sherman and Dennis "Othniel" Yatsenko for your ratings. I think Dennis the definition of synopsis is very vast, well especially in publishing. In publishing you have your Short Synopsis, then you have your Back Cover Synopsis, and then you have your Long Synopsis which is your story from start to finish. From the pitch template in s32, I gathered that a synopsis of your script is basically the story start to finish, but I am still not sure tbh.

Thanks Hernán, appreciate!

The logline is enticing, but what you say in the Nutshell really hooked me! I wonder if a mixture of the two is possible? Anyway, you've really got something here!

Thanks Suzanne Lutas , I'm trying to connect the vast universal themes with a very simple but deeply human story. There is an intrigue element too, which is revealed in stages, and the forces of light and darkness are at play throughout but the lines become blurred... (^^,)