Hello everyone, I'm here on recommendation from a comic book illustrator/designer about a comic book I am working on. I currently have the first draft for it and I am hoping for feedback, suggestions and what should be done next as I am new to the comic book writing space.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Roatdq_nqTaa3Ex3G0xrfDs0AZP8ApLBqjVq...
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Hey Fauna Chesterman cool of you coming to this community to share your work! Always requires so much bravery to be open up to feedback. I don't have experience in the comic book space either so hoping some others jump in, but have you looked to see if there is a local comic book club in your area? No matter if it's book, film, whatever, I always suggest centering the reader experience, so it could be helpful hearing directly from your target audience.
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Not that am I aware of, not that I can't look, although I was recommended to come here for peer review. Plus it doesn't necessary need to have comic book experience since I don't have experience in that field either since my experience has been on short stories/novels and a bit of TV script writing. If possible, you can give feedback on the story pitch, how it comes across, etc. Anything that comes to mind that you think might help with the story
Welcome to the community, Fauna Chesterman. I don't have experience in the comic book space, but I posted some notes below from a screenwriter’s POV.
I don’t think you need to bold the logline.
Since you’re pitching the story as a comic book, I suggest mentioning that on the first page of your pitch.
The first sentence in the Thematic Concept section says, “In a city proud of being built on values of self freedom comes to decide how free one is in terms of identity…” I’m not sure what that part means. You might need to reword it.
I suggest removing the In other words section since it’s repeating what you said in the Project Sum-up section.
Add a brief writer’s statement about your connection to the story on the first page.
In the first paragraph of Brief Prologue, it says, “Redwood City Rooftops - Red shift is standing on top of a skyscraper in the near futuristic city of Redwood city, an artificially made island city off the coast of canada.” Capitalize “shift” and “canada.”
I like the parts on pages 2-5. You did a great job painting a picture of the story, but some producers, directors, etc. might not access a five-page pitch. There might be a page limit (like two pages for Stage 32’s Pitch Sessions). If you run into this issue with a producer, director, etc., I suggest replacing the parts on pages 2-5 with short bios for the major characters in the story and a short synopsis (about 5-6 sentences).
In the first paragraph of ACT 1, it says, “The scene shifts to a week ago, maintaining a visual view of where Red shift had been looking at her hands, but now, the scene is over a bridge connecting Redwood city with mainland Canada.” Capitalize “shift” and “city.”
On page 2 (toward the bottom), add a period at the end of “LUKE: Who are you? Don’t try to stop me, it’s…better this way”
On page 3 (toward the top), add a period at the end of “MAKER: Right now, you do”
On page 3 (toward the bottom), add a period at the end of “???: It’s real…I’m…the real me…I finally feel…like a girl”
In the last paragraph on page 3, it says, “she suddenly goes a lot faster then she was used to.” Change “then” to “than.”
In the second paragraph on page 4, it says, “she put her eye mask back on and ran off down the bridge.” Change “put” to “puts” and change “ran” to “runs.” Also, there are other times throughout the pitch when you switch from Present Tense to Past Tense. I suggest doing the entire pitch in Present Tense.
On page 4 (toward the middle), it says, “CROW MASTER: Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, who is this? I don’t recognise you. No matter, I won’t let a would-be heroine get in my way. The collector demands his due and I, Crow Master, shall ensure its delivery” Capitalize “collector” and add a period at the end of Crow Master’s dialogue.
In the last paragraph of ACT 2, it says, “Crow master gets frustrated with his crows.” Capitalize “master.”
Capitalize “master” throughout ACT 3.
In the second paragraph of ACT 3, it says, “only to reveal a empty crater.” Change “a” to “an.”
On page 5 (toward the top), add a period at the end of “RED SHIFT: Call me…Red Shift”
On page 5 (toward the middle), remove the quotation mark at the end of RED SHIFT: This time, you're not hurting anyone else, not when I’m around!
On page 5 (toward the middle), it says, “CROW MASTER: this cannot be! I am one of the collector’s chosen, I won’t be beaten by a wannabe!” Capitalize “this” and “collector’s.”
In the second from last paragraph (on page 5), it says, “He calls forth more crows to attack Red shift” Capitalize “shift.”
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I'll do my best to revise as to your suggestions, although I should explain, for context, the layout was something I was given to follow with the logline, the project sum-up and the in other words section. I understand it is not exactly a excuse for sloppy excution, although I hope it can explain some of the strange layout designs and choices. For the Grammer errors and the other stuff, I'll get to that shortly :)
I attached the front part of the guide I was given to follow for context