Screenwriting : First time doing a Logline. by Lisa Milliner

Here's a logline template that might help, Lisa Milliner:

“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw that the main character has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the main character’s personality) _______ (the main character’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline:

“A _______ (the main flaw that the main character has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the main character’s personality) _______ (the main character’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

Hi Lisa Milliner this is a great logline and like what you've included so far! If you're ever looking to get your logline review and polished I highly recommend checking out our Logline Polish! Check it out here!>>https://www.stage32.com/scriptservices/coverage/buy?id=22

First, let’s talk grammar. I got tripped up on the delayed subject and misplaced commas. Also, culture should be plural, and the years should be spelled out. So I’ll rewrite for clarity:

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Straight out of high school, five girls from different Caribbean cultures learn after ten years of lies, infidelity, rap, fights, and kids. They fight for unconditional love for each other.

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Now that it’s cleaned up, let’s make it stronger. The way I read it, the movie will cover multiple stories that take place over ten years. I’d drop “straight out of high school,” because the movie does not happen in that immediate first summer, but over ten years.

Are we in mainland USA, not the Caribbean? Probably. I’ll guess Miami.

I don’t know from whether the characters have infidelity, fights, and kids with each other, or with other boyfriends/spouses. I’ll assume a little of both.

“Rap” seems out of place in this list, unless you mean the rap scene, which could contain badly. elements of drugs, violence, fame, failure, etc. So be more specific. If you meant “rape,” not “rap,” then I’m way off.

I’m concerned that you don’t have a strong main character with a goal and obstacles. Those factors make for a stronger script and therefore a stronger logline.

Here’s my attempt, based on some guesswork.

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Five young women of Caribbean descent struggle with relationships, infidelity, and motherhood in the years after high school. The turbulent Miami rap scene threatens to drive them apart, but they ultimately learn that unconditional love is worth fighting for.

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Obviously, if it’s not Miami, change the city. And if I’m way off with the rap angle let us know. you may want to post a short synopsis so we can help with more accuracy.

I'm lost here. Just say who wants what...

Looks like a celebration of the rich Caribbean culture.

Five Caribbean high school girl examinees fight for unconditional love for each other, but ten years of lies, infidelity, rap, kids and clashing cultures, begin to pull them apart.

How about this Lisa Milliner

"After a decade marked by betrayal, conflict, and motherhood, five Caribbean women confront the deep-seated secrets that have shaped their lives since high school, revealing a journey of resilience and the enduring quest for unconditional sisterhood."

Thank you for the feed back, it's rape actually. I'm not a writer so yes my grammar is off, I just write. Yes it takes place in Broward fL. They are not rich. I wrote the script before I wrote the Logline.

HI Lisa! I highly recommend that you watch this logline webinar. It is my #1 favorite webinar on the platform and I go back and reference it all the time, it will totally help you: https://www.stage32.com/education/c/amandas-top-10?h=what-makes-your-log...