I need help refining my logline for pitching. Which of these two loglines, if either, catches your attention. The Spirit Wind While his family suffers from a tragic lack of closure and with time running out, an eleven-year-old inventor embarks on an out-of-this-world journey to find his five-year-old brother, still missing after being taken by a tornado one year earlier. The Spirit Wind An eleven-year-old inventor suffers from “ambiguous loss” after his five-year-old brother is taken by a tornado and never found. He invents a miniature Apollo-type capsule and one year later is swept up in it by a similar tornado taking him on an incredible journey in search of his brother, while in reality his trip lasts only minutes, landing him in his own yard. Suggestions welcome.
Screenwriting : Help refining my logline by Thomas George Mazzola
Help refining my logline
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Here's my suggestion: After his little brother is swept up by a tornado, Jack, a kid inventor, creates a "wind-capsule" to go in search of him!
Anthony, I like the cleverness but the story is all about the suffering of loss.
Boomer, good point. Perhaps I should clarify by saying the theme is about ambiguous loss (involving the missing) which is different from overcoming loss and the story is about the hero's desperate search for his brother, which is a journey with plenty of action in a world, which is extraordinary and visual.