Hi everyone, hope all is well.
So I have been writing a few loglines lately and there's improvement, I feel a bit more confident than I did two months back. Now I'm writing my third feature film, which is the longest piece of writing I've ever done, but loving it. I want it to be seen and made I just need to see how I can improve my logline, here goes.
LOGLINE: Struck with grief after the sinister murder of his family, a rebellious boy is on the hunt to find out who's responsible but the law isn't good enough, causing him to take drastic actions and join forces with a tactical group of freedom fighters, who'll help him find his families killers, for exchange of his service.
Thanks for your time
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Hi, Austin Van Rensburg! It's good you're spending time working on your loglines, as they can very often be what gets you in the door. Stage 32 actually has a logline review service that can help you workshop your logline: https://www.stage32.com/scriptservices/coverage/buy?id=22
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Try this:
"A rebellious boy is tasked with discovering who murdered his family when the local sheriff refuses to investigate further and teams up with a militia who may have a hidden agenda of their own."
A logline should be short, sweet, and exciting.
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After the police bungle the investigation of a rebellious boy's family, he takes the matter in hand and joins Freedom Fighters who promise to help for a price... his service.
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Hi Austin, your log-line is a bit wordy, there's a lot of details that don't need to be there. Such as the fact that your character is "Struck with grief", the reader gets automatically that he's devastated over the murder of his family. Look for little things like that to cut and shorten the length to one small but powerful sentence. Hope that helps.
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HI Austin
You need to get the clear conflict between the protagonist and antagonist characters out .
i would Forget the grief opening. A more powerful opening. A rebellious boy finds solice by joining a group of freedom fighters in pursuit of the brutal killers behind his families murders.
Dont get frustrated mine took me 100 rewrites for my kids project. I nailed when I focussed on creating the protagonist antagonist conflict in the wordings.
Good luck and keep working on it. Sounds like a great project.
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Austin Van Rensburg I like E Langley's logline. I would change it a little though:
"After police bungle (or mishandle, botch up, etc.) the investigation of a rebellious boy's murdered family, he takes the matter into his own hands and joins Freedom Fighters who promise to help for a price... his service."
Or "After police bungle (or mishandle, botch up, etc.) the investigation of a rebellious boy's murdered family, he takes matters into his own hands and joins Freedom Fighters who promise to help for a price... his service."
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Thanks. I forgot the lede - the murder.
I'd make a case for bungle. OP is "....isn't good enough...." It connotes incompetence. And 'bungle is such a great word. :) Almost onomatopoeia.
You're welcome, E Langley. I like "bungle." I learned a new word today. Thanks. :)
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The?
What does "The?" mean, E Langley?
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Joke, MV. The word 'the'.
I'm sorry, E Langley. I don't get it. Haha
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M: I learned a new word today.
E: The?
Obscure, I know.
I get it now, E Langley. Haha
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Thank you everyone for your help, much appreciated, sorry it took me forever to reply, been on a long trip. All advice is helpful me.
You're welcome, Austin Van Rensburg. How was the trip?