We have just whittled down a log line for our script. We would love to have some feedback, if you don't mind. Here it is! :-) "Finding a crashed spaceship in the desert, a former MMA champion discovers a lone survivor hunting a fugitive from her planet. They must find him before he can do to Earth what he did to her world."
Your Stage : Log Line Deconstruction by Paul G Newton
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I'm not mother-tongue, but lived in the US for six years. Good: the logline makes me curious about the story. And I expect some interesting conflict. In my opinion, two things can be improved: I would make 2 sentences out of the info you are giving. Maybe the first sentence until "desert". To my ears, "who happens to be the same man he's looking for" should be closer to "the lone survivor". The info about the alien's mission should maybe be a sentence of its own. Another idea to increase the suspense: "UNTIL he find's out that it's the same man he's looking for"... That way, it stays more in the protagonist's point of view, instead of an outside view and I expect an inner conflict of the protagonist and and maybe a plot-shift. Hope this helps and curious about the final logline :-) Niklas
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We have an update for the longline. Finding a crashed spaceship in the desert, a former MMA champion discovers a lone survivor hunting a fugitive from her planet. They must find him before he can do to Earth what he did to her world.
It does condense it. Hmm...