Hi there - I would love constructive feedback on my logline! Happy to return the favor...
The true story of an Olympic skier turned decorated RAF fighter pilot, who overcomes life-changing injuries to succeed, but discovers even heroes need help when the aftermath of his mother’s suicide threatens to destroy his family and career.
Screenwriting : Logline Feedback by Meghan Thompson
Logline Feedback
Other topics in Screenwriting:
Check out Trending Discussions
Register / Log In
1 person likes this
Succeed at what? I'd stick to war and pre-war (Olympic) aspects of the story unless his mother's suicide had tremendous impact on his life. If so, then tone down sport and war and mostly focus on the aftermath over the suicide...
1 person likes this
I'd say leave the Olympics out, maybe have the medal hanging on a wall somewhere. Start the script with the guy getting out of the military, starting his civilian life with him reconnecting with his mother. THEN when everything is going fine, BAM, mom's suicide. And then focus on him picking up the pieces. Its much more dramatic that way. Unless its a biography and you need every single fact, you can say that its "based on a true story", and take a bit of dramatic license when needed.
Logline - "A former military pilot reconnects with his mother and tries to build a new life, only to have it torn apart by her unexpected suicide."
Thank you both! That's really helpful. The Olympics is key to the story - which is true. But love the suggestions:
The true story of an Olympic skier turned decorated RAF fighter pilot, who overcomes life-changing injuries to succeed at his passions, but discovers even heroes need help when his life is torn apart by his mother’s unexpected suicide.
Hi Meghan,
I think the obstacles/conflict needs to be what prevents him from going from former Olympian to successful RAF fighter pilot - we also need some hint at the motivation to do this (is there a war, or other stake?)
As you've already told us he overcomes life-changing injuries to go from Olympian to RAF pilot at the beginning of the logline, the goal, stake conflict after that are out of alignment.
1 person likes this
Hi Meghan, here's all your elements with the words rearranged a bit:
"In the aftermath of his mother’s suicide, an Olympic skier turned decorated RAF pilot must overcome life-changing injuries that threaten to destroy his family and career."
... and if essential, this could be tacked on the end: "...and discovers even heroes need help sometimes. Based on a true story."