Screenwriting : Logline feedback by Claudio Torres

I like your logline, Claudio. I think you just need to rewrite the ending and add the stakes.

"In a society controlled by a mighty A.I., a young professional gamer tries to find a way to fulfill his dream of working in an extinct job as a doctor to ___________ (stakes)."

It would be better if this was not just extinct but a forbitten job for humans...it would raise stakes...actually most of the stories are a hero's (simple) journey vs something getting on the way sorta thing...

I like it. I do agree with Kiril in that it could raise the stakes if the profession were forbidden. Then it would beg the question as to why it’s forbidden.

i think it’s good. it peaks your interest and does a good job of exposing the basis of your story. i have one suggestion. leave. out ‘mighty’. it’s just an extra word you don’t need. as a medical physician myself, i would wonder how’s he gets trained? how would he do a residency. ? how would he get into practice? could he get a loan? malpractice insurance? how would he get patients? what kind of patients would he see? is he going to be a generalist, specialist? where will he practice? does this make a difference? are some places better than others? what is the back story about him wanting to go into medicine? how does the AI practice medicine? what can he do better than a fricken computer? BTW i hate computers!! how does your story end? rex basswood

2024: Unconvinced by the Coke sponsored app diagnosis of her health, a young programmer seeks to EXPOSE it's Governmental author by training as a medical doctor - referencing ancient 20th century textbooks.

@Claudio I second answers above regarding heightening stakes. Also write log line all in long hand, general population might not immediately “get” A.I is artificial intelligence. My nephew just asked me what it meant.

Hi Claudio, thanks for sharing! Be sure to also upload your logline in the Logline section of our site! https://www.stage32.com/loglines

I, too, agree with the comments about the stakes. It's definitely attention-grabbing and concise you just need that last bit to kick it up a notch.

Sounds good and scary enough to me. Good luck!

This sounds futuristic, if it is I would open with set in list the year and the location. What is the plan to reach his goal of becoming a medical doctor?

If you can include what will get in his way and why it will raise the stakes and demonstrate why this goal is important (the AI may have replaced medical doctors with its own).

Seems to be a start. Now just let the readers know a little bit more about the obstacles he faces and the consequences involved.