Screenwriting : Logline feedback by Mark William Chambers

Thanks Lyse. The stakes are very high and I'll try to establish that in there.

More importantly, WHY would a 'corporate big wig' want to shut down a Halloween festival? Without knowing that, it seems a bit ... random.

Is it like a big company is going to build something to make a lot of money at the cost of destroying the small community and the Halloween festival that makes the town special? Kind of like the premise of You've got mail? But instead of a bookshop it's the halloween fest, and a little girl instead of Meg Ryan.

Meg Ryan will always display that little girl persona I think, she's so damn good at it. Back to the logline I wonder who made the discovery or how the discovery was made causing the little girl to embark on such a task. Was it the little girls discovery accidental, forced upon her, etc. IDK? You don't want to give away too much either. Where does she seek assistance, is it a singular mission for the little girl? If the ominous secret plans are the obstacle it just needs rewritten (RE: Logline). Where does the girl need to get too? Are the ominous secret plans in conjunction with or result of the big wig wanting to shut down the festival? I just have a hard time understanding what this story is about I guess. Good luck though I'm sure you'll get it where it needs to be.

I'm trying to keep a little mystery within the logline. I don't want to give away too much.

Try this on for size. I love this.. Write it ten times and make a variation each time. You will fall in love with one.

Try to say what the story is - you're selling the concept not writing the poster

I appreciate the feedback guys, thanks.

is it horror or a children's film? because both are valid options :)

I'd say work on it. You have a direction go with it. Keep going. You're not done! :-)

It would be a live action children's Halloween film. These aren't made anymore, unless it's animated. But there are many themes to explore here, and could be fun for kids.