Hello everyone!! I wanted to share with you the Logline for the screenplay I am working on:
"A young woman with Schizophrenia tries her hardest to become the person she aspires to be, in order to help take care of her parents and little boy, who years later finds out the truth regarding a tragedy in their family during the Holocaust"
- A WORTHY LIFE
(Drama Screenplay)
Matthew Ross, Wilmington, DE
Hi, Matthew Ross. What type of person is she aspiring to be? I think the logline's structure needs work/the logline needs to flow better.
That's a humongous Logline.
"Tries her hardest to become the person she aspires to be" - That's a pretty verbose way of not explaining anything. What does she aspire to be? How does that help her care for her family?
A young woman with Schizophrenia help(s) take care of her parents and little boy, during the Holocaust - B A Mason lol
1 person likes this
Maurice Vaughan, B.A. Mason, and Vincent Turner, thank you so much for your feedback.! In the story, the female lead wants to go back to college and finish her degree, so she can help support and take care of her parents and little boy. The factor that is limiting her in doing so is her mental illness, which is Schizophrenia. She feels so indebted to give back to her parents , because of everything they have done for her. As well, she feels like she has been a mediocre parent because of being in and out of the hospital for most of her sons seven years of life.
2nd Logline Draft:
"A young woman with Schizophrenia tries her hardest to overcome many obstacles, in order to finish her degree and help support her father, stepmother, and little boy. This journey proves to be difficult, as the horrors of World War II begin outside their apartment in Nazi Germany. Years later, after her son has settled and started a family in New Jersey, he receives a letter in the mail that will haunt their family for generations. This unsettling matter relates to a part of the Holocaust that is rarely remembered"
4 people like this
That is more of a premise. A Logline is short and sleek and able to be read in one breath.
"After a schizophrenic young woman strives to better herself and support her family during the holocaust, her son receives unsettling news concerning her condition." - My take.
That makes sense what you're saying. Thank you so much for your input, B.A. Mason!
3 people like this
Hi Matthew! You can also post on our loglines page for more feedback: https://www.stage32.com/loglines