Two souls meet in Limbo; they must overcome past tragedies and unite to attain the strength to pierce the vale that restrains them.
I'm developing an upbeat paranormal, light - drama script (about 14-16 pg). I have dual character arcs each with its own built in conflict. I'm asking for a constrictive critique but if you have none - feel free to flame it. (Ya ain't gonna hurt my feelers)
First glance it reminds me of Defending Your Life (1991). I think it works well as a logline, would certainly be enough to make me interested in reading the synopsis.
I love the concept. What's the big pay off when the pierce the vale that restrains them? Love?
"unite to attain the strength" is the initial goal it seems, but it could probably use more specifics and better wording. Also, the same problem with "past tragedies". If I had to take a quick stab at this:
Two tormented souls, trapped in Limbo, must face their tragic pasts together to pierce the veil that condemns them to eternity.
Just a thought. Very good premise though. And it does mirror Defending Your Life a bit.
Doug Nelson Vale as in valley, or Spanish (value) or veil? Three different stories, three different levels, all seem great with lots of possiblities. Also if I remember correctly a good chocolate brand, “Vale.”
I love the concept Doug Nelson. I really enjoy the paranormal/supernatural projects that explore ideas like this. My thought on the logline is that it feels a little vague with respect to the phrase "pierce the vale that restrains them" - it feels a little too metaphorical at this point when perhaps a more grounded explanation might suffice. Great work!
Hey Doug, are you looking for projects that shall paid big dividends in the future? I have a saga I've created called "Warriors of MA" it's on my profile, you can check it out for yourself and see if your company would like to play a part in seeing this project on the big screen. You can contact me (If you're interested)at OpenArt.Ent@Gmail.com, really would like to get a solid group behind this project to make it a block buster. Thanks James Lytle
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Michael - you'll have to watch the film to answer that question (it's intentionally left a little vague) but the answer is there.
Steven - we the living think of death as a tragedy but is it really - why must they be tormented?
Claud - Limbo is just East of Possum's Relief, Arkansas.
Sandeep - I checked Webster's, but no definitive answer; I'm gonna go with 'veil.
Jason - we're all fascinated by the life after death question but I'm fascinated about life after death after death... (As I look around today, I'm not sure about life after birth.) Anyway I write a lot of upbeat (not horror) often comedic paranormal/supernatural (metaphorical) material. I have fun with the 'unknown'. It doesn't scare me.
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Hi Doug, Your concept is very interesting and different. I'm intrigued by it. Your logline is very good. Here's my humble suggestion on it via your post.
Two souls stranded in Limbo who look to pass through a barrier that leads to their eternal destinations must make peace with the past tragedies that brought them there.
or
Two souls in Limbo work together in overcoming their past tragedies to gain entry into a portal of everlasting peace.
Hope it helps in some way. My best to you sir.
The only thing I find ambiguous (which may not be important to other) is “overcome past tragedy”. Can you polish that. Why does that give them strength and how is it related to them joining forces.
Do they help each other heal? Perhaps use that…
Two souls trapped in limbo by their grief get the strength to pierce the veil by helping each other heal.
May not be your story. Just a suggestion.
Meets necessary criteria
Relatable characters
Binge worthy
High concept
Short and sweet
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Seems more suited to a feature script.
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Two departed souls who meet in Limbo must overcome past tragedies and unite to attain together the strength to piece the vail that obstructs their progression in the next life.
The logline is internal - overcoming past tragedies isn't something that we can see. In my Loglines Blue Book I suggest finding a picture for every word in your logline to make sure that it's something that shows up on film.
Doug Nelson , after Eric's comment I too am curious if you think you can pack all this wirhin 16 pages ... I am distracted imagining the technique, as it will be fun to have that much happening in about the same time as a feature sequence in any story!
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Sandeep - The short form is the most complex & difficult script to write; which is why I recommend it to new screenwriters. There's no time for a leisurely wander about: It's a biff-bam-thank you mam kind of project. 16 pages is my upper target limit; I generally stay around 12 - 14 pages.
Yes William the logline is internally focused - for a reason. I'm going to remove the word tragedies from it (most of the comments seem to equate tragedy to death - it need not). The underlying theme is that one must let go the past in order to move on. Remember that Stasis = Death.
I'm glad that most of you all find it to be 'okay' but now I'm going to rewrite and polish it until it glows in the dark. I'll post on my page if you all want.
Vale (as used in Spain) means Okay or in agreement used in slang fashion.
Is this any beater? Two souls meet in Limbo where they must let go their pasts and unite to achieve the strength to pierce the restraining mantle or fade into oblivion.
Thanks Doug Nelson , It will be really nice to see shorts with this quality of a logline executed well. I can't say I have seen a short with that much complexity yet — that may only reflect my repertoire. Re the updated LL, it paints a picture quite vividly. Fwiw, I quibbled on the definite article in the restraining mantle as it doesn't point to anything and still takes away the mystery — "a" res. m. instead?
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Sandeep - I'll do my best; no promises.
Claud - No 'OF' necessary. I live in an area with a very shallow talent pool so there is no crew here (I'm workin' on 'em). I'm afraid that I may have to go to Portland, but I don't like the drive. I'm always willing to look at well crafted shorts but there is so much junk floating around that I'm hesitant.
Veil.
Two souls meet in Limbo; they must overcome past tragedies and unite to attain the strength to pierce the veil between them.
Are you saying there is problem between the souls, or are they are trying to break the shackles that keep them in Limbo?
I guess you could have both these souls in the place they're at because of what they did to each other. They don't know that at first. Not exactly your plotline though.