Screenwriting : Please vote/give feedback on loglines by Susan Kelejian

I think both are good but I would vote for logline #2 because it seems there is more at stake but I am not sure about dark family secrets. I would rather have seen what is at stake. Is he going to turn into a monkey or go ape shit. Just a little Bigfoot humor to lighten the mood around here.

Number 2. Its more concise and still has the element of mystery.

Dan Guardino LOL cute

I had to google "cryptozoologist" meaning

Hands down #2 no contest

What's a cryptozoologist? Without some definition or at least clue, I'm lost. Also, Bigfoot not new news and among the most played out (merchandising, in search of shows, etc,) It is not, on its face all that intriguing. You need to try to reveal what your big twist is, or what your unique perspective is, or what makes us really care about your story. Loglines are hard, very hard. If you love your story I'd give it another go...give the reader a sense of why you're so passionate about it.

Think about it...your logline is making some big assumptions...I know and/or care what a cryptozoologist is and I'm really excited by Bigfoot. Your goal should be to get as many readers intrigued as possible, not just the few that might fit those assumptions.

Neal Howard I appreciate your opinion, but this script is being shopped and is already at several big production companies and A list directors. So I will have to disagree with all the "you shoulds."

The story sounds interesting, Susan Kelejian. I think you should combine the loglines. Something like: An obsessive cryptozoologist races to find proof that Bigfoot exists to validate her childhood trauma ___________.

Or this: After a lifetime of searching, a cryptozoologist races to find proof that Bigfoot exists to validate her childhood trauma ___________.

I put "___________" because I don't see how "must confront the truth when DNA evidence challenges her deepest beliefs" or "struggles with doubt when dark family secrets suddenly appear" ties into her goal (find proof that Bigfoot exists to validate her childhood trauma). Once I know that, I might be able to suggest an ending for the logline.

Maurice Vaughan so I did this as an experiment... one logline was generated by AI and one was written by me. I just wanted to see the responses.

Best of luck then. If all that interest from big production companies and A-listers is already there, congrats and I sincerely hope it gets greenlit or garners the funding you're looking for.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! If your story is being shopped and is already at major productions houses, why would you care...much less seek advice....from a certified crowd of amateurs? I mean, if your script is that brilliant, why can't you write an equally brilliant logline?

Scratch what I said, Susan Kelejian. I reread the loglines and I see how "struggles with doubt when dark family secrets suddenly appear" ties into her goal (find proof that Bigfoot exists to validate her childhood trauma).

Maybe something like this: After a lifetime of searching, a cryptozoologist races to find proof that Bigfoot exists to validate her childhood trauma, but struggles with doubt about its existence when dark family secrets suddenly appear."

Or this: An obsessive cryptozoologist races to find proof that Bigfoot exists to validate her childhood trauma, but struggles with doubt about its existence when dark family secrets suddenly appear."

Michael Elliott Oh I dont care. I was doing an experiment about AI.

Maurice Vaughan you know what I really appreciate about you...you have been consistently thoughtful, kind, and generous. I love your positivity and support. Thank you for your feedback.

You're welcome, Susan Kelejian. Glad to help and I appreciate the comment. I'm looking forward to seeing this movie!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute. I have done so.. I tend to agree with Michael Elliott's comment but only the first sentence. As a matter of fact I do agree 100%. However, Michael's second sentence tends to contradict Michael's own first. If Susan's claims are true, then it must have been a brilliant Logline... but who are we to know. In websites like these, nobody puts any of their claims on the line and nobody guarantees anything... except only for one thing. Irrespective, at least, Maurice suggested something different, that's good. Better than 'you should, you could, I would etc, etc' - sometimes (not always though) boredom ad infinitum. My English is ESL, but no apologies offered if I don't make sense. I often feel I am a judge in my own lunchtime. Better get back to something more useful.

Susan Kelejian What’s the outcome of your experiment? I’m quite curious to know.

I agree with others here, that the second is stronger, but each lack the stakes. She must deal with the problem before WHAT happens?

I’m surprised that so many writers don’t know the term cryptozoologist. It’s common in the genre of Bigfoot hunting (shows like Destination Truth as well as narrative features). Cryptozoologists also seek the chupacabra, lake monsters, goat man, skinwalkers, the Jersey devil, etc.

On a related note, creatures that “could be” out there have come to be called cryptids. (I learned that from my young students who spend a lot of time talking about memes and creepy pastas.)

I guess I would say DON’T use the term in a logline as it’s not as commonly known as we thought. But DO use it in the script or pitch deck, where you have the opportunity to define it in context.

Mike Boas wonderful. The first was written by an AI generated product which analyzed my whole script. I was curious about this since I am a great opposer to using AI, and frankly, it didn't change my mind. The second one IS on the pitchdeck! (for this script I never had to have a logline prior to the agreement since I was picked up from a producer seeing my stage play). I just thought this would be an interesting experiment with AI VS people, but I wasn't expecting so much of the other...however, since loglines ARE fairly new for me, I do see people's points about it not being as high stakes as needed. Much appreciated. (And yes, silly me, I thought most people knew what Cryptozoologist meant)

I vote #2. Its tight and it has some mystery to it.