Thank you to those who offered suggestions the first time around. Trying to be much more concise with this one: "An idealistic teenager leads a ragtag expedition into the Appalachian mountains to search for an alien artifact."
Screenwriting : The Lowest Deep (logline redux) by Douglas Turner
Other topics in Screenwriting:
Check out Trending Discussions
Register / Log In
1 person likes this
Don't know what the first iteration sounded like, but that's brief and to the point. One thing I would add is WHY they are searching for the alien artifact. Will it stop an invasion? Bring them untold riches? Get them in with the cool crowd?
Good point. I will implement!
1 person likes this
Doug: try SOMETHING like this -- "An idealistic teenager leads a ragtag expedition into the Appalachian mountains to search for an alien artifact .. but instead of finding the artifact he comes upon the alien who left it behind." -- it's always good to tell the reader what the potential danger/conflict is. Good luck with your story.
Thanks Ginger!
Alle, thank you for a second look. I definitely want to add to this, but I can go two ways: one, include the protag's motive, which is to harness the artifact's healing powers to help a paralyzed friend. Or two, include the fact that a mysterious third party seeks the artifact as well, though for reasons less benevolent. I just need to figure out how to incorporate one of those without being wordy.
"ragtag" is cliché, Douglas. Can you think of a more original descriptive word?
Joanne, yes they are. I'm working on your note, because it's a good one.
2 people like this
Tina, you're right it is. I've been thinking of other similar adjectives -- misfit, outcast -- and they all feel like cliches, too!
Add a time limit. Your protag has a certain amount of time to get the artifact or the friend will die.
Make sure the "idealistic" is involved with the story, for instance, does he lose his idealism by the end, or does it enable him to overcome the obstacles along the way. Also, why is the group "ragtag"? It may fit the tone, but how does it fit the story? Could you tell the same story if they were a real tight, competent group? Is there a tight group working toward the same goal, and if that group succeeds, what happens to the protagonist? That group would provide a time limit, as Jill points out. (The friend's health could be another time limit, providing for two clocks).