Please give me some direction on this longline I am fine tuning for a black comedy short I have written. Does it sound right? Rouse interest? Grammatically correct?...or am I just a tool. Thank you in advance for your honesty. "After being demeaned a self destructive abject clown tries to kill himself; however each attempt goes absurdly awry."
It definitely is a mouthful. My worry is the common moviegoer may not find the spark this story potentially deserves. The semicolon seems out of place there. Is this designed to be a funny thriller or a scary comedy?
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It's designed to be a funny, dark comedy that entertains through humor yetatthe end has an important message
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Say what you will; I am a sucker for alliteration. How does this strike you? "Demeaned for the last time, a contemptible clown resolves to kill himself, with each attempt going absurdly awry."
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I like that, the only thing the character of the clown is more lovable loser then contemptible. Need another c word. Ha
Ooh! How about "capitulated clown?"
Capitulated is not bad, I think contemptible like you said earlier is not bad either I guess. Perhaps crestfallen.
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@Patrick, he is sad and down in the dumps over how miserable his life is. But it gets worse. Haha
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@Patrick Dejected was one of the words I considered as well, but I was grinning over the thought of using a c word. There is such a thing as trying too hard, though. Go with what feels right, Jose!
"A demeaned dejected clown in dire straits embarks on a suicide spree with each attempt going absurdly awry until he arrives at an impasse."
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I would also suggest giving it a run over at www.logline.it. A community of people who help each other with loglines.
You could simplify demeaned dejected by using "outcast." Or you might say "emotionally crushed outcast clown."