Screenwriting : Logline Critique by Mike Norman

Sounds like a great screenplay. I would still shorten the logline a bit and details can make a big difference. Here's an example on how I would write it... Logline: A young woman with a terminal illness seeks out the meaning of life and connects with an old man fighting his dark past. Depending on the genre of the screenplay, the logline must also have the same feel.

Thanks for the info. To provide some more details for the purpose of the critique. the story is about two teens. She comes from a privileged family but is battling illness. He, quiet and reclusive, is an orphan and product of the foster care system. She helps him come to terms with his struggle for his desire to find his birth mother. He helps her fulfill her life's wishes which includes falling in love.

I would research films that have the similar situation to your screenplay and look at their loglines. And less is more in a logline. There are a few articles about the basics of loglines and how to format them.

How about: Facing an uncertain future, a teenage girl forms a bond with a reclusive boy while she helps him face his past and he helps her embrace life.

Now that's more like it! Keep working hard Mike, loglines are just as important as the screenplay.

Just as hard too....

The feedback I get from the Zoetrope forum keeps telling me that it's too vague. So perhaps this may be better: A terminally ill teenage girl and reclusive boy form a bond while she helps him face his past and he helps her embrace life.

Peter, thank you for the feedback. I understand every writer tends to have their own method. I generally find it best to write as the ideas come to me and then try to tackle the logline. I don't want to generate a logline and try to make they story conform. I want the story to have the freedom to go where it needs to go and then make the logline conform to the story if that makes sense. I think where I am encountering struggles and negative feedback on the logline is failing to get people to understand the premise of the story. Think of it as a "A Walk to Remember" meets "Fault in Our Stars". The story kicks off at a high school graduation. A time for most that is looked at as the beginning of their lives into adulthood. The girl in this story has a potentially fatal illness and though she appears fine on the exterior she understands that she could become sick again at any time. This motivates her to care less about the opinion of others and more about what she really wants for her life since she knows that it could be cut short at any time. Enter the quiet and reclusive boy. Abandoned as a child and bounced around to foster homes, he has developed his own insecurities and abandonment issues. It is this that causes his inner struggle when faced with the decision to meet his birth mother. The girl becomes his best friend and his main supporter standing by him and fighting through his insecurities and fear of abandonment. He becomes her one true love and helps enjoy what life she may have left.

Perhaps: Two teenagers from different social classes fall in love while he faces his past and she faces a terminal future.

Okay, this is giving me a lot of grief but is a good exercise in forcing me to dissect the story. Breaking the logline into three simple parts: character, the want or goal, and the obstacle or opposing force; all while trying to be "original" and not sound too "generic" this is where I'm at: A terminally ill teenage girl gains the trust and love of a reclusive boy promising never to leave him when her life could end at any moment.

If you read Peter's first post he stated that he did NOT agree with writing a logline first. I have come to realize that you can ask 10 different people and get 10 different answers as to what makes a good logline.

As of right now I have opted for: A terminally ill girl pursues a reclusive boy ultimately forming a strong bond and promises never to leave him. Provides the protagonist, what the protagonist wants, and the obstacle....Also has the irony that you mention when she is terminally ill but promises never to leave.

There might be a typo in there... puruses is a river in South America ;-)

Yes...thank you.

An outgoing terminally ill girl will sacrifice her health to help the boy she loves locate his birth-mother whom he doesn't want to meet.

Here's my feeble opinion. Logline: Whatever Title A dying woman helps a man conquer his past during his coming of age. IDK, take it for what it's worth. I don't think it needs anything more but many may argure. You could replace dying with terminal. I used to think eloquence overrode simple but it doesn't. Most seem to overthink the simplicity. Most replys I see on here you should answer with synopsis, not the logline. Good luck to you. Again just an opinion. Michael L. Burris "Realistic Beyond Practicality."

Peter, Thanks for taking the time to read my first draft and provide some great feedback on it and addressing the logline. This is literally a first draft and I know that it has some issues. Helps to step away and get an external perspective for a while and collect notes to prepare for the rewrite.

Peter is the best at loglines. Genius!

Peter, thanks for all of your input. I just posted a revised version of the script.

Thanks, Peter. Appreciate it. I think you'll see the most significant changes in this version with a stronger conflict. Also modified the subplot so it's not fighting with the main plot. Focused more on the three act structure. Adding a story twits in the beginning of Act 2 and a twist at the end of Act 2 pushing momentum into Act 3.