Screenwriting : PinPricked by Michael Persaud

PIN PRICKED BY MICHAEL PERSAUD EXT. FERRY STATION - DAY Fade in: Colorful blur which slowly clears, it is people buzzing hurriedly around. SUPER: 2011 A ferry sits on the dock just past the San Francisco’s ferry station, reflecting the rippling water of the bay. People are streaming off of it flowing in a colorful tide of clothing. MUSIC TITLES Rap music plays in the background. COLLAGE - AGED NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS ON A WALL Some are discolored, faded and some have pen markings, circles and lines. Title reads: Alcatraz reopened Title reads: ... charged with conspiracy and treason Title reads: Scientist amongst first in Alcatraz Title reads: Military denies using advanced robotic technologies EXT. CROWD - DAY The crowd and ferry fades as the misty bay becomes clearer. The distant ALCATRAZ comes reeling in slowly. The waves in the bay SLOOSHES calmly. The weather is clear enough that all horizons appear distinctly.

Michael, script pdfs can be posted on member pages under "Logline" then click "Add a logline/screenplay." The "Lounge" is meant for topic discussion only. Those who do read your script, or take a look at your logline, can comment under the script post on your page. If you have any questions refer to the "Help" link in the upper right corner or you can use "Share" in the menu bar. :)

Thanks, i will add it under loglines, guess i missed that section :). @Ron: yes the sequel takes a different direction and does get better but it doesn't mean that the first isn't great as it is. Hopefully, i've just removed the bullet from my foot :)

@Owen, i loved the story so much that i had to continue developing hence the sequel or it could have been a titanic length script :). Since i'm posting it away freely, i would like to reserve that right to not post the log line. Let's say it can be a new trend for those who are interested and not for those who just want to read the log line and move on, or change the whole concept of the thread to a logline discussion.

That's confusing, Michael, and rather a backwards way of approaching potential readers. You need a logline. I doubt many will read a screenplay without one. Anyway, best of luck. :)

I agree Sam, but lets shake it up a little and test what an awesome director once told me, if you get to page 10 and it still intrigues you then its a good sign that it may be worth reading to the end. Her career spans from the 70's through to the present. This particular script she did read past page 60. Personally I do love to look at things from a different perspective and i'm surely aware that this is one industry that "does it by the book" ... so again, lets shake it up a little :)

@Sam, i did take a look at the logline section and yes it does offer what i would expect any other sites would, but i want to try something different. Maybe it might be read as a thread easily or maybe not, just a theory or who knows a trend that i would love to test.

@ Michael... I assume you've put your script up on InkTip, Blacklist etc? No traction or feedback from these?

I, for one, am fatigued by people "trying something different." I just want to read a good screenplay, not partake in an experiment. Good work rises to the top. Why confuse matters with tricks and stunts?

There is no such thing as a sequel until someone else tells you there is. my suggestion - send out the 2nd better script and scrap the first one.

What is an "opportunity slot?" are you soliciting for writing partners?

What relevance can the Oscars possibly have to you or your co-writer, Alle?

Thanks guys. I do appreciate your POVs. Understanding what others expect is always interesting. I know my POV is not always lined up with others as i like to ask many questions and do believe that at some point in time the new generation will change the way the industry operates. It may take time but it just takes one person (of interest) to go in a different direction people start following.

@Anthony: no i've taken a direct approach to reach out. I've many times though about sites like those but because of my tech background i do not see how they can provide security around my uploaded script. I've done some work on my own website which i do have encryption protocols for uploaded scripts but i'm not advertising my site here only talking about a script.

@Laddie: I'm sorry that our opinions differ, but thats why we are all unique. There is no tricks going on here just a simple allowance of me posting and exposing my IP to anyone who wants to read.

@Danny: I never started with the intent on writing a sequel. I saw an opportunity to expand something i had fallen in love with and couldn't stop writing. So a question that is on my mind is should they have shot the last "sequel" of Lord of the Rings or The Hobbits series.

@Owen: Yes i have written a log line. Its been a while and a cycle of a few laptops so i'll have to verify what i did for the synopsis. My question to you would be, "If a picture tells a thousand words why describe it in one line"?

@Alle: I would love to pass it by you and i do appreciate your offer. I'll PM you when i have a moment.

Michael, security round your script from a legal sense comes from copyright and or registration with WGA... so even if Inktip/Blackklist were to be hacked (and they've not been to my knowledge) what would be the issue? Your slight paranoia may be holding you back as both sites have Producers looking for scripts.

"A ferry sits on the dock " I always thought that BART was safer.

@Doug do you mean Bay Area Rapid Transit? :)

@Anthony, you may be right, I'm paranoid because I work in network security and know that many websites are pretty much insecure unless they provide encryption and https in front of the url doesn't make it secure. Maybe I should drop the {tech} hat and just accept it but its so hard to get the blood out from the pound of flesh :)

Michael - yup.

No doubt, but it was actually leading up to what i'm adding to the 1st post/part.