Screenwriting : New log line- seeking opinions by Robert Kelly McAllister

But what stands in their way? If it's their feuding, then that needs to be called out.

Kerry, look at the rest of his logline posted under screenplay.

If the rest of the logline is on his page, then it's not a professional logline. Kerry's right about the issue with this one: a good start, but what's the conflict? So it's half a logline right now.

Can they be two sentences?

Robert's Full Posting: "LOGLINE: Burning the Old Man is a feature length comedy set in the Nevada desert, based on my award winning play of the same name. The log line is simple: Two feuding brothers have twenty-four hours to get their father's ashes to the Burning Man Festival, as per his last wishes. But when the younger brother accidentally blows up their car while smoking a joint in the back seat, they end up stuck in a motel in the middle of nowhere- and are forced to confront each other and their themselves."

Thanks Vidas- I think that the whole thing is probably too long, no? And thanks everyone for the input- it is invaluable.

How about this: Bobby is a carefree stoner; Marty his uptight older brother.Together, they must get their father's ashes to the Burning Man Festival before it ends, but their car just broke down in the middle of the desert.

How about: Feuding brothers with a busted car must get their father's ashes to the Burning Man Festival.

These are all fantastic notes! Really clarifies to me- well, many things. First and foremost, the real conflict is between the brothers- getting to is of course the MacGuffin. I am going to post first ten pages on my profile page- and continue to try and perfect the log line- you all rock the world.

Be careful not to make the journey geographical only. A good story is about the journey that the characters take in themselves.

Jim- that's close to what happens- stranded in the desert in a seedy little motel, they are forced to confront each other, and themselves

When their car accidentally goes up in smoke in the Nevada desert, two feuding brothers have twenty-four hours to traverse the dangerous backroads and seedy motels of the Nevada desert, in order to deliver their father's ashes to the Burning Man Festival -- or miss out on their multi-million dollar inheritance. Try to include the inciting incident, setting, main character/s with some sort of description, what action they must perform, their goal, obstacles/antagonists, stakes. Try to make it one sentence.

Thats a great concept. Could work for comedy or for something like the film "The Way".

I'm curious as to the consequences. "or" ... rather than ending with "per his last wishes." What an interesting setting for a comedy.

Seems to be missing the "or else" factor. Where's the jeopardy?

changed logline, and added synopsis- thanks to all- if you can take a look at new stuff, would appreciate it!

It works, you will get as many differing opinions as people comment. What it tell's me about the story - purely subjectively of course - is they both agree on one thing, fulfilling their father's last wish, however that's where it ends. There may be something that happened in the past they need resolved but their issues and who they encounter will bring the funny and only if they can get it together will they reach their shared goal in light of all the stuff only family can bring your way. Hope this helps.

Still not enough at stake. It needs something like "...as per his last wishes, or they'll be disinherited from his vast fortune."

This is an excerpt from: Writing Effective Loglines by J Gideon Sarantinos. He writes: "Here is more advice from Christopher Lockhart, Story Analyst at WME. A logline conveys the dramatic story of a screenplay in the most abbreviated manner possible. It presents the major throughline of the dramatic narrative without character intricacies and sub-plots. It is the story boiled down to its base. A good logline is one sentence. More complicated screenplays may need a two sentence logline. As simple as this seems, it can be difficult for a writer to extract the center of his/her (I added the 'her) story to create a logline. Crafting a logline takes a great deal of practice and an understanding of basic dramatic structure. A logline must present: WHO the story is about (protagonist) WHAT he strives for (goal) WHAT stands in his way (antagonist) Sometimes a logline must include a brief set-up. A logline does not tell the entire story. It merely uses these three major story elements to depict the dramatic narrative in an orderly and lucid manner. For instance, a logline for THE WIZARD OF OZ may read: After a twister transports a lonely Kansas farm girl to a magical land, she sets out on a dangerous journey to find a wizard with the power to send her home."....... THIS WHOLE LOGLINE ARTICLE is approximately 12 PAGES of FANTASTIC advice that Gideon shared. I haven't checked yet but I sure hope he's a member here... I can't, for the life of me, remember where I found this article or I'd send you all the link... but I do have Gideon's contact info... he actually posted ... "if you liked this article let others know".... so here it is: Twitter: @jgsarantinos FB: www.facebook.com/jgsarantinos I'm sure he'd send you the link if you ask. HOPE THIS HELPS FOLKS... It's a great resource to print out and reread everytime you're about to write a Logline. :-))

What an extremely useful thread full of really helpful advice. (and people.) Nice one Robert for starting it. My own Logline was far too long. (The screenplay is fairly complicated.) But Ive just 'bitten the bullet' and cut the Logline to the bare bones and posted it on my profile. (I didn't even realise we could upoad Loglines & scripts until I read this thread.) Double Useful. Thanks everybody on here.

You're welcome John. Yes, you can also add a cover photo on your wall and write your Bio and post it. You'd be surprised how many people read them.

I agree with Erik. Most good movies can be expressed like this: "If protagonist doesn't _______, then [bad thing will happen]".

Thanks Sylvia - done that. Also uploaded two Scripts & Loglines. Still learning here. Great site.

Brothers, who hate each other, both want to be the loving son who dumps dear dead dad's ashes at Burning Man.

Hi Robert. The logline may be- ' Two feuding brothers stranded in desert, have 24 hours to reach the Burning Man Festival to fulfil the last wishes of their father, failing which they will disinherit a lumpsum fortune'. How about that? I wish to add something more for you. I don't know the full story of your play 'Burning the Old Man'. But what about the following ideas you may include at your wishes in your movie? Here it is :- The feuding brothers stuck in the motel. The stake is- they will be disinherited great fortune if they doesn't able to reach Burning Man Festival in time. The condition is - if any of them reach the festival before the other one, he will solely inherit the fortune . If both reach there, both will inherit. To verify this, the family lawyer is already there in the fesival to decide who is going to get the fortune or not. In the motel, the brothers meet a middle-aged woman, who is also going for the festival carrying the ashes of her father. Actually, this woman is a thief, who generally thefts the passengers on the way to the festival. She doesn't have the ashes of her father either in the container she caries. She only holds some junks in it. She also have an old car which have only two seats, one for driver & one for passenger. One brother say 'X' immediately immitates to fall in love with the woman, wishing that he will reach the festival before his brother in the woman's car & inherit all solely. The other brother say 'Y' got furious with this & he swaps the containers of ashes of their father with that of woman's, wishing that even if 'X' reaches the festival before him, he will never inherit the fortune. Incidentally, both of them reach the festival at the same time, 'X' by the woman's car & 'Y' by hitch-hiking. Reaching the festival, it has been found that the woman is the Ex-wife of the family lawyer & the lawyer got furious seeing her as he knows that she is an imposter & also robbed him a long ago. As soon as 'X' introduces her as his 'Would-be-Wife', the lawyer tries to disinherit 'X' by hook or crook. ' What happens after this? Who got the fortune? ‘X’ or ‘Y’ ? Or both? How? It's up to the original playwriter how he wishes to end up his wonderful comedy. My best wishes Robert. Hoping to see an splendid comedy movie very soon.

So many great comments- thanks one and all- reworking and rewriting and all that- but have new logline. First off- this is really a dramedy (hate that word) - anyway, here is latest logline: While taking his father's ashes to Burning Man with his stoner younger brother, an uptight and severely depressed young man must face his greatest enemy: himself.

I love the new longline. Much better. The one thing I would change would be the cliche at the end. ... a severely depressed young man Meets his nemesis ... himself.

I like the concept a lot, Robert, but I'd like to know what stands in their way or what the consequences are if they don't get the ashes to the Burning Man festival in 24 hours.

Jalynn is right. The "or else" factor is missing. You need something like "Faced with disinheritance if they don't get their father's ashes to the Burning Man Festival within 24 hours, a young man and his stoner brother must navigate a nightmare of closed roads, car breakdowns, speed traps and crooked cops to reach their destination on time."