Screenwriting : So I'm lookin' at a logline… by Shawn Speake

"Running from a shoot-out" strikes me as unnecessary detail. Also, frankly, I don't think the objective is necessary. The inciting incident and the fact that the HAVE to take hostages makes it clear they're dealing with a bad situation. Here's my version: When a born-again biker's last meth deal goes bad, she and her gang are forced to take a family hostage. Things go from bad to worse when they realize their captives are biker-hungry cannibals.

"Siren biker attempting final drug deal, ends up in gun battle, fleeing with hostages to a farmhouse. She unties one to cook, as water simmers the family silently plot, the meths lush is their road kill. "

I like Kerry's attempt at your logline, Shawn... but can you make her a militant vegetarian as well? :-)

"Born again biker pulls last meths deal, but ends up in gun battle. Taking a family hostage to hideout in their ranch, she's unaware the freezers menu is pies with human organs"

I'd raise the stakes a bit. Have her and her best friend make a pack to get out after this last deal. Have the friend die in the shoot out, taking a bullet to save her. The cannibal thing is only gonna work if they have something unusual about them, like they are assassins, secret poison at will, or they seduce before eating. LOGLINE: A bikers last meth deal turns into a ride from hell when she unknowingly holds up with a gang of cannibals and shes on the menu.

What's a born again biker? A Christian or does she commit her soul to the Mongols? Anyway, here's what I came up with: Logline: "When a drug deal to stake her future goes bad; a reformed biker on the run bites off more than she can chew after her crew takes a family of cannibals as hostages."

I think Chris has a good point, in making reader strike an immediate empathy chord with female protagonist.

"Pregnant leader biker turns to God, before one last meths deal ends in war, with rival gang and cops in hot pursuit. Holding an Amish family hostage, the bikers face a more sinister foe inside the farm, these manic preachers eat the devil."

You guys are awesome! Thanks for taking the time to help me tighten up my catalogue. Happy Memorial Day!

Shawn: You have a good premise. It's got that Last House on the Left vibe.

Anthony's logline I think is the strongest. Kerry's is great if you could combine it to 1 sentence. Everyone else's suggestions are not really loglines so I would not go in their directions.

I offered a cheeky logline but its a logline nonetheless.

Logline: A biker's last meth deal goes wrong. When her crew takes a family hostage to hide in their home, they find out they've been taken prisoner by cannibals.

I like Kerry's, hey Kerry you're good at loglines, Shawn, I like your method, separating inciting event and objective, etc... I never looked at it that way.

I thank you all. Here's Take 2: When a born-again biker's last meth deal goes bad, she and her gang take a family hostage only find out the captives are cannibals…. What say you?

Shawn: Me likey! Again, I think you have a good, high concept idea. That logline says it in 24 words, which is economical. The only thing you may want to ad is what happens next. Example: 1. When a born-again biker's last meth deal goes bad, she and her gang take a family hostage only find out the captives are cannibals and discover who's higher in the food chain. 2. When a born-again biker's last meth deal goes bad, she and her gang take a family hostage only find out the captives are cannibals and now face survival of the fittest.

Thanks for checking in, Phillip! I appreciate you! I feel what happens next is the subtext, doesn't need to be stated… What do you think about that?

I'm on the fence. On the one hand, your logline could just be "Bikers and Cannibals!" and I'd kind of get it. But I partially agree with Phillip that I want to hear "only to find out the captives are cannibals, and they're hungry for a biker smorgasbord" or something that hints at the festivities to come. I mean, just because they're cannibals doesn't mean they have a taste for bikers. Obviously I ASSUME they do, but part of me wants to hear it. Was that wishy-washy enough? I'll sum it up this way: I agree with Phillip, but don't think you're sunk if you stick with what you have.

Shawn: I'll give you an analogy: You go to the deli to order food. You want a good burger. You get a good burger. So now it's just a question on whether you want a pickle in the middle or French fries on the side. It's strictly a matter of taste. Personally, if I was looking at your logline, I would be inclined to read your script because the concept is there. This goes back to what David Trotter says in Screenwriter's Bible even crappy films have been sold because of a good high concept logline.

Kerry: Bikers look like pretty good eatin'. But I shouldn't joke about that. I'm only about 70 miles away from where the big gang shootout was last week. But I'll we'll say Texans enjoy their barbeque. And our cannibals don't have discriminating tastes.

Thank you, thank you! I'm on it…

Be careful down there, Phillip. That looks like a pretty intense area on the news!

Shawn: Thanks so much for the kind thoughts. I lived in LA most of my life, so I've seen plenty of crazy shit. Austin is worth any inconvenience. It's beautiful, I can be in the country in ten minutes, the music, activities and cool people are pretty great. And several cool film festivals too.

To @danny. Was throwing ideas into the mix, for others to form logline.

Does "born again" mean to convert to good? If so, they're starting out bad if they're doing drug deals, so is there any reason to care about them? But if someone is trying to go straight and a situation beyond their control prevents it, more sympathy and conflict can be created. Throwing my rough logline/synopsis into the hat. When a biker's is double-crossed on their final meth deal before going straight, they unwitting take a family of cannibals hostage and are forced to decide whether their best bet is to attempt to defeat their flesh-eating hosts, or seek an alliance with the murderous drug dealers they're evading.

To Kerry's point - maybe you just need to say they're "starving cannibals"...?

Leona has a good point about the sympathy vote for bikers. If they only do bad s..., they probably deserve to be eaten. Trying to go straight gives them a humane element. We need to care about their fate.

I thought more people were aware that born-again means born-again Christian. I'll rethink that component. THE DEAD ONES is about bad guys vs bad guys - focused on maximum entertainment. In my storyworlds there are no traditional heroes. They're lost soul, anti-protags at best! That's my brand… but I'm still taking this in…

Nothing wrong with bad guys fighting bad guys in the horror genre. Though I hope you have built in at least one (or more) characters we'll like and feel affinity for. And, for the record, I wasn't certain the "born-again" referred specifically to born-again Christian as opposed to, like, "getting out of the biker game".

A female biker, high-end provider for her gang, becomes born-again, tells her sisterhood she's quitting the M.C. She's pressured to make one more meth deal. The deal goes bad. Members are killed. She and the remaining bikers seek refuge, break into a home, taking a murderous, cannibalistic family hostage.

Oh, yeah, Kerry! I used hero techniques for CANDY, the born-again biker. THE DEAD ONES is available on demand on my profile. You're all welcome to read a page or two - tell me what you think. I'll return the favor!

TAKE 3: When a born-again biker's last meth deal goes bad, she and her gang take a family hostage only find out the captives are biker-hungry cannibals.

Simple fix. Take 4: When a biker's last meth deal goes bad, she and her gang take a family hostage only find out the captives are biker-hungry cannibals.

You guys be careful! "You keep being so good to me, I'm going to post more log lines!"

42 POSTS LATER: When a biker's last meth deal goes bad, her gang takes hostages - only to wind up dinner for the family of cannibals.

GOOD CALL, John! Can't thank u enough: When a biker's last meth deal goes bad, her gang takes hostages - only to wind up on the dinner table for the family of cannibals.

When a biker's meth deal goes bad, her gang takes hostages -- cannibals! Can they escape before becoming supper? --- escaping from peril is the issue, right?

Since when is there a "no spoiler" rule for loglines?

On the table doesn't imply each one of them is eaten, but it is a tad cliche. Keeping log-lines spoiler free adds intrigue and lures in producers. Focusing on the conflict and hinting at the means of resolution is most effective.

SAMCRO meets Terminus or Texas Chainsaw

A biker gang fleeing a meth-deal gone bad keep the cops waiting outside at bay when they take refuge and hostages -- in the home of a family of cannibals. How's that?

Thanks again for all of your help, guys! This has been a great thread… Here's what I'm rolling with for now: When a biker's last meth deal goes bad, her gang takes a family hostage only find out the captives are biker-hungry cannibals.

Shawn, I don't think 'biker-hungry cannibals' scans very well and it's also the second use of biker in the logline... what about 'flesh-starved cannibals', or more simply, 'a ravenous cannibal clan'?

Shawn, I like this logline a lot. The only thing I think you need to do is replace the first biker with the word criminal or something like that. That way at Anthony's suggestion, you're only saying biker once.

Put that baby to bed already. Anthony and Phillip's suggestions are good ones, but I think your version is fine, Shawn.

That's what's up…. When a biker's last meth deal goes bad, her gang takes a family hostage only find out the captives are a ravenous cannibal clan.

I'd watch it!

I haven't read the previous loglines, but just saw the one posted above me, and oooooohhhh! I would WATCH THAT! I love the "clan" part, as if their grandparent's grandparents have been doing this for ages.

Gotta thank AC for... the ravenous cannibal clan! ... huge thanks to all of you. This has been a great thread. Anybody else need eyes on a logline?