Screenwriting : Movie opening by Billy Dominick

I agree with that. I try my best to take a different approach for my intros

Readers are getting really tired of it. Specificity is more engaging. But if you are dealing with something really elevated, call it out in your writing. "This city could be anywhere..." Still clicheed. But at least you are letting the reader know there is a point to the vagueness.

Jeremy, how do you go about your intros? Chas, would it be best to call it out as EXT. ATLANTA, GA - DAY Shadows creep over a poor neighborhood.

https://www.stage32.com/sites/stage32.com/files/assets/screenplay/185490...

Thanks John. I forgot to mention the city in my original draft. I just put it as EXT. POOR NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY but I think it needs to be shown that it is in a big city.

Specifics is Voice. Vagueness is passive desperation.

Here is how I started it: EXT. POOR NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY A state of art racing motorcycle rests in the parking lot of a small Kung Fu gym with large garage doors.

Mmm well I would say unless you are a screenwriter who is writing a draft for a studio that has requested that the location be intentionally vague, you should be specific. Location is obviously important as it goes along with the time period you are setting your story in. Those things motivate the type of story you will be presenting as well as the culture being depicted. If your story is not narrative driven but something more experimental, then go for it. My old film professor once did an existentialist film called Inside/Out back in the 90s that was set in a mental asylum in the middle of nowhere. The point of that was to show the patients were constants while things around them (cars from different decades appear and disappear) continued to change. Be prepared to answer why the location is vague over and over again though if you go that route. Se7en is a great example where the story takes place in an American city that's never named but could be any American city really. But remember that the main location where your story takes place should be appropriate for whoever your main character is. The movie Drive comes to mind. What better location for an American stunt driver who moonlights as a getaway driver for thieves to live in than L.A.?

I think this is my best bet: EXT. ATLANTA SLUMS - DAY A state of art racing motorcycle shines brightly in the parking lot of an abandoned mechanic shop which now serves as Maria’s Kung Fu gym. After all beside Atlanta where is the next likely place to find a racer and a debutante feeling at home.

EXT. ATLANTA, GA - DAY

Vince-- how would you go about showing it takes place in the poorer part of Atlanta, GA

EXT. ATLANTA, GA - DAY A trembling black hand, definitely male, picks up a cigarette butt from the sidewalk. The commotion in the background, the ghetto is awake, actually it never sleeps. The homeless man places the cigarette butt between his lips. His blue black complexion, the merciless Georgia sun is the reason. Behind him, a boarded up storefront as he reaches in his grimy jeans, loses his balance, pulls out a lighter. He tries to the light the cigarette. He burns his lips.

or it could be like earlier: EXT. ATLANTA, GA - DAY A state of the art racing motorcycle shines brightly in the parking lot of an abandoned mechanic shop which now serves as Maria's Kung Fu gym. After all besides the poor part of town where could you find an abandoned shop that wasn't demolished and rebuilt as a hotel or something?

You're not describing a ghetto/ poor neighborhood. An abandon mechanic shop can be anywhere. Maria's Kung Fu gym???

Hi Billy what if you started your intro from an extreme close up of the scene and pulled back to see the bigger picture: EXT. large AMERICAN CITY.DAY; A thick red liquid falls through the air at a snail's pace, it lands on a brown surface. the surface is revealed to be a hot dog being prepared for the customers who are impatiently waiting to be served.

how much do you need to detail the beginning scene when it is the establishing shot. Mine was just a poor neighborhood with a motorcycle in it even though clearly none of the residents could afford. So I would have just went with EXT. POOR ATLANTA NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY or EXT. ATLANTA, GA- DAY skyscrapers cast their shadows across a poor neighborhood.

Oh an establishing shot... SUPER - Atlanta, Ga after skyscrapers cast their shadows across a poor neighborhood.

based on one book's example it would just be: EXT. ATLANTA, GA - DAY Skyscrapers cast their shadows across a poor neighborhood. EXT. POOR NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY A state of the art motorcycle shines brightly in the parking lot of an abandoned mechanic shop which now serves as a Kung Fu gym. What do you think? I thought the cycle would be a sharp contrast to the neighborhood.

I would use, this just an example - EXT. HELL'S KITCHEN - SAME . The name of an area/borough in Atlanta

so example hell's kitchen instead of poor neighborhood right? use a specific neighborhood versus just calling a poor one right?

Yes

In fast and furious, it just started EXT DOWNTOWN LA and described the traffic flow at night. as far as super wouldn't be better to do it: skyscrapers cast their shadow super: Atlanta, GA I'd like to avoid the super if that's even possible. EXT. ATLANTA GHETTO - DAY would give the location without confusing the reader with the name of a borough that they never heard of.

I think the below format could be the best without placing random people in it that could be anywhere: EXT. ATLANTA, GA - DAY Skyscrapers cast their shadows across ghettos. EXT. GHETTO - DAY Cars rest on blocks in the yards. One overgrown lawn serves as a makeshift dump. Storefronts are boarded up or busted out. Graffiti stains everything. A state of the art motorcycle shines brightly in the parking lot of an abandoned mechanic shop which now serves as a Kung Fu gym. INT. KUNG FU LOCKER ROOM - DAY The lockers are dented with most of them hanging open. let me know what you think.

How 'bout simplifying it: EXT. NONDESCRIPT SLUM OF ATLANTA - DAY Far off skyscrapers cast shadows across overgrown lawns, makeshift dumps, boarded storefronts. Graffiti covers this discarded section of the city. A state of the art motorcycle stands in stark, bright contrast, parked outside an abandoned mechanic shop. INT. SHOP - DAY Dented lockers, an open mat, and hanging kicking bags have been set to makeshift the shop into a gym.

I think the generic city title works the best. Why choose a specific city, unless it's important to your script? Don't forget, a lot of producers seek scripts in a specific city (usually for tax credit purposes). If need be, you could always change your "generic city story" to a specific city later. Good luck, BD.

Does this seem to work: EXT. SLUM OF ATLANTA - DAY Distant skyscrapers drop their shadows across overgrown lawns, makeshift dumps, boarded storefronts. Graffiti stains everything. A state of the art motorcycle shines brightly in the parking lot of an abandoned mechanic shop which now serves as Maria's Kung Fu gym. INT. KUNG FU LOCKER ROOM - DAY Lockers are dented with most of them hanging open. MARIA, 18 and more breathtaking than the Guatemalan jungles in her typical tight jeans and a fairy blouse, pops open a locker. The locker guards a motorcycle helmet and a racing jacket. Maria slips on the jacket. Immediately zips it up. Tosses on a leather vest with a wolf on the back. @Beth, I left out pointing out the contrast between the cycle and the shop because I felt it would be obvious since such an expensive vehicle in a run down part of town. @Bill, I chose a specific city because it can give the script a bit of flair to a reader. Atlanta is also where I would locate this movie if I had any say in the production which I doubt I will.

I kindly disagree, it's setting up an important visual image -- a stark contrast and interesting element of a character. But, I don't wish to impose my style of writing on you, Billy. Of course, you do what you feel is right. It's your story :) However, I strongly suggest reworking your description of Maria. It really doesn't tell us anything about her; her personality; her current state of mind; her world view; a real sense of WHO she is -- other than what she is wearing and that she is good looking. Perhaps give us something that captures her as a three dimensional person. Perhaps allow the beauty element to be secondary or even just assumed. :) I wish you the best with your script!

@Beth--so true on your take on my description of Maria which mirrors a later description of Laura. I'll have to work on both of those. Just glad there are people like you to help me improve the script before I send a bad one to a film executive.

MARIA, 18 and more breathtaking and dangerous than the Guatemalan jungles in her typical tight jeans and fairy blouse, sports a warm smile and sweet eyes that mask a distant hardness. Does that sound more three dimensional? I just came up with it. Bellow is how I introduce Laura: EXT. MANSION GROUNDS - DAY A basketball court built to professional game standards resides just a short distance from the swimming pool. LAURA, 18 and more stunning than the most spectacular rainbow in a plain t-shirt and shorts, dances ballet happily but not perfectly while shooting hoops. Scores every time. MISS STEP, an old woman with a stern look and a conservative dress, marches toward Laura. Laura scoops up the ball. Shoots and scores. MISS STEP You’re lucky that your father isn’t here. LAURA Why? MISS STEP The way that you’re dressed for one thing. LAURA I’m playing basketball.

Again, Billy, I don't wish to impose my writing style upon yours. The ideal is to create an impression of a character by using very few, succinct details; give a sense of WHO this person is in your description; create an instant image in the mind of your reader. Using action and the character's proclivities or mood or attitude toward something or someone or themselves or their environment can tell us much more than just a list of physical attributes. Personally, with "Maria" and "Laura" I found the jungle reference and the rainbow reference to be unclear; abstract -- they really don't give an impression of a person. In fact, I found them somewhat distracting. What does a Guatemalan jungle look like? A rainbow is stunning? Sure, I guess. Dangerous with sweet eyes? Seems a little at odds. You have a lot in your characters' worlds to draw upon; use. How does Maria ride that motorcycle -- fast, reckless? Does she kick her locker closed? Hence all the dents. Does she keep a knife in her boot? Does she spit-shine her helmet before putting it on? Does she wear protective riding gear that disguises who she is? Perhaps a metaphor for her sexuality. Anyway, perhaps experiment more and see what else you can come up with. :) Here's some character examples I found that may be of help to you or perhaps be of some inspiration: "JENNY, our heroine, is bent over a small desk. Victorian novels, Latin primers and dictionaires teeter in huge towers either side of her. She stands and stretches as she turns to us. She is sixteen and beautiful. She’s also tired and bored." "Looking on with horror is timid GEORGE McFLY, 47, a balding, boring, uninspired man who wears a suit he bought at Sears 4 years ago." "Marty’s mother, LORRAINE, 47, was once very attractive. Now she’s overweight, in a rut, a victim of suburban stagnation. She has more food on her plate that anyone else, and a glass of vodka." "A man enters the coffee shop, making his way through the people: THEO FARON (55). Detached, unkempt, scruffy beard, glasses, Theo is a veteran of hopelessness. He gave up before the world did." "RUBY MURRAY, 28, dices onions. Disobedient hair. Eyes shining with promise and possibility." "JAYDEN, 15, in worn jeans and high-tops with scribbles all over them, sits on the floor surrounded by all her belongings, drawing in a sketchbook, fixated on a dead roach lying on its back a few feet away." "MAN, late 30’s, is bent over the toilet, puking his guts out. He raises his head, looks at himself in the mirror -- meet TEDDY DANIELS. Square-jawed, strong build, a born fighter with something wary around his eyes. He wears a clean-cut suit, but there’s a sense of danger to him." "LISBETH SALANDER walks in: A small, pale, anorexic-looking waif in her early 20's. Short black-dyed hair, pierced eyelid, tattoo of a wasp on her neck. Probably several more under her black leather jacket."

how about taking out the rainbow since: LAURA, 18 and stunning in a plain t-shirt and shorts, dances ballet happily but not perfectly while shooting hoops. Scores every time. Her eyes sparkle with a sweet innocence. MARIA, 18 and breathtaking in her tight jeans and fairy blouse, sports a warm smile and sweet eyes that mask a distant hardness. Oozes danger as she pops open a locker. The locker guards a motorcycle helmet and a racing jacket. Maria calmly slips on the jacket. Immediately zips it up. Tosses on a leather vest with a wolf on the back. The jacket could help to hide her identity as a girl but just from a distance. But she immediately zips it up which most people wouldn't do immediately after putting on a jacket. Also with her calmly putting it on shows that she's relaxed at the time but she is quick to zip up the jacket. Did I do alright? I kept the clothes in there for a variety of reasons: (1) Laura must contend with her governess in this opening scene because the old woman thinks that a lady shouldn't be wearing a t-shirt and shorts outside. (2) I wanted to show that both of them dress feminine instead of one of them taking on the appearance of being butch or whatever the politically correct phrase is. As far as how she rides, in the third scene she rockets the motorcycle straight for an airport's control tower and ignites the N.O.S. Very dangerous but her instincts keep her safe.

Billy, personally, those descriptions don't work for me. But, that's me. I think you're putting too much attention on them being attractive and concentrating on surface differences -- like clothes. Challenge yourself to describe them without mentioning that they are sexy or stunning or whatever. All female characters are always beautiful. It's rather cliche, but it's always assumed. I think you're being rather conservative and these female characters seem to be confined into costume "boxes." Omitting something isn't enough. Perhaps a rewrite may be a better choice? Perhaps you're stuck? Perhaps walk away for a while. Come back to it with fresh eyes. That always works for me when I'm stuck. Perhaps start from scratch with descriptions -- just to free your mind and play around with other possibilities. You never know, right? ;) Again, I don't wish to impose my methodology nor write this for you. I think I've said enough! Perhaps too much. So, I'm done. However, I do wish you the best!

@Beth, first off thanks for all of the time you're putting in to help me improve this script. I got a 13 out of 15 from my last pitch of it. How does this sound for Maria? MARIA, 18 with a warm smile and sweet eyes that mask a distant hardness, sports a well cared for fairy shirt and painted on jeans. Oozes danger as she pops open a locker with a Kung Fu strike.

LAURA, 18 with sparkling eyes full of sweet innocence, dances ballet happily but not perfectly while shooting hoops. Scores every time. Proudly wears a plain t-shirt and shorts. I'm trying to describe their inner selves through their eyes while commenting on their actions: (1) Maria sports "a well cared for" shirt which simply shows that she takes care of her stuff. (2) Oozes danger--my attempt to show that she's not to be trifled with. One strike to open a locker--that person must have some skill. (3) "dances ballet happily" --Laura is currently in a good mood but her governess might change that. (4) "proudly wears shirt and shorts"--Laura chooses to wear what makes her comfortable and isn't ashamed of it even most people would be fine wearing the same thing but her governess isn't happy with it.

You're welcome, Billy. I'm just happy to have been of service. Glad to hear about your pitch. Ummm, what's missing is subtext. Sorry, I feel it's all rather on the nose or word meanings don't quite work together. They seem disjointed. Forced. Perhaps what you are trying to say just isn't coming across in execution. Perhaps instead, describe their inner selves THROUGH their actions. Show don't tell. Okay, the following was done very quickly and meant for example only: Maria (18) stands in front of her locker. Stares vacantly as she buttons up her perfectly pressed blouse with taped, bruised knuckles. Her face is soft but there's something hard behind her eyes. She finishes dressing, pulls out her leather jacket and shiny helmet. With explosive speed she spin kicks the locker shut. It's the only one left on its hinges. Laura (18) shoots. Nothing but net. She wears an authentic, number twenty-three Michael Jordon jersey. Feeling the hard, disapproving stare of her governess, she mimics Jordan by sticking out her tongue as she goes for the layup. She looks over, smirks. Defiant. The mutual dislike between them is palpable. The governess puts a hand on her hip, holds out a ballet dress. A standoff.

@Beth--subtext Maria's eyes mask a distant hardness (something to leave us guessing why)--this was my way of hinting at past heartbreak. Maria, 18 with a soft face and something hard behind her eyes, brushes away a few tears. Carefully tucks her fairy shirt into her painted on jeans. Throws a lighting strike to pop open her locker. Laura, 18 with eyes full of innocence and a wicked grin, dances ballet happily but without trying to be perfect. At the same time, she skillfully shoots basketball. Nothing but net. Proudly wears a plain t-shirt and shorts. How does those 2 sound? here is my breakdown on subtext: (1) brushes away tears???--what caused those tears--left to subtext--something happened off camera (2) Maria tucks in her shirt???---a bit of contrast---careful not to show any skin but wear jeans that are like a second skin. (3) Laura's wicked grin???--something must be going on there. (4) Proudly wearing regular clothes--why is she so proud of the moment? I would love to know what you think but just to be clear: I wrote these in like a couple of minutes before I nodded off. I left off the bruised knuckles because Maria knows how to handle herself and doesn't fight much.

Okay, as I have said, repeatedly, I do not wish to impose my writing style upon you. With that, I am stopping. :) Only adopt my "words" if they truly work for you. Plus, I'm totally shooting from the dark as I do not know your story. A "cut and paste" tactic; meshing my writing with yours may cause you more harm than good. If anything I have said helps you in any way then I'm thrilled. I'm coming solely from a place of suggestion and pointing out issues. I've been giving you general thoughts and examples only. I certainly do not wish to "tell" you specifically what to write. This needs to be done by you so that it has your voice, not mine, not anyone else's. Perhaps take a break and come back to this rewrite with fresh eyes. That's so helpful! I have a couple of book recommendations for you; "Writing for Emotional Impact: Advanced Dramatic Techniques to Attract, Engage and Fascinate the Reader from Beginning to End" by Karl Iglesias, and; "Writing Subtext; What Lies Beneath" by Linda Seger. Great books!!! Helped me tremendously! For me, and perhaps for others, what's missing is a sense of real emotion; depth of character. And, emotion in writing truly comes from subtext. :) Again, best to you, Billy! I think you're on your way!

Thanks once again. The above cut and paste was done before nodding off. I have since corrected them to be in my own style while keeping some of my subtext which always seems to be in the eye of the beholder. Thanks again.

Well, subtext in screenwriting isn't meant to be open to various interpretation, but rather used specifically to convey a specific meaning that is clearly understood -- a writer's device. Often it's rewriting and rewriting and rewriting to find the right words, the very best words, to make sure the hidden meaning is clear in spite of the text. :) Very challenging! Anyway, you're welcome and best wishes!

Companies dig location neutral scripts. The slugline is too vague though. Instead of placing the scene in a large American city, describe the class of neighborhood--poor, slum, etc.--then make the sensory details more focused.

So true Beth. I kept adjusting some of the words like for example changing Laura's wicked grin into Laura's mischievous grin which subtext wise means she's doing something that she knows is frowned upon. Right now, I'm stepping away from this script for now so I can finish up a weak script involving a serial killer searching for a girl. @Tony, I'm placed the movie in Atlanta, GA to give it more of a flair than just American city. I did describe the class of the area as Maria's slum since she is the main character that lives there. I also described various details of the area.