Screenwriting : Rewrite and new logline by Anthony Moore

I like it, because I like bad. He better be really bad, though, and not Chiller bad or Lifetime bad. West side Super Bad, Anthony - west side super bad. As an aside, your listed loglines are pretty interesting. Good luck, A.M.

Thanks Bill. And yes, he is BAD...beat up a puppy and smack the owner bad. Hey Sam - I know how to write a logline. I come up with them for others all the time, I just have trouble coming up with good ones for myself. This one has been the most interesting so far. How about this revision: Kelis, a bad man, recruited by bad people to do bad things finds that he can’t live with the bad situation that he helped create. He must try to stop a virus from wiping out the world's intellectually challenged.

Forgive me, but I find both versions to be redundant and not succinct. Too many "bads" is, well, bad. Haha! ;) Perhaps mix it up, add distinctive, vivid adjectives; give a clear sense of stakes; create a better impression of who these characters are and what exactly the protagonist is up against. It's all rather vague at the moment. :)

Ok Beth. Hows this? Kelis, a convict recruited into a para-military black OPs group, must turn on his employers to stop the very mission he was recruited for, to spread a virus that kills off the intellectually deficient.

Sam - Not being defensive, just acknowledging my own weakness.

I don't really care for that detail just thrown in as an inert clause at the end. Bring it up front, like "A convict is recruited into a paramilitary group tasked with spreading a deadly eugenic virus, but when he betrays his employers in a sudden fit of conscience, he must [outwit the world's most deadly kung fu masters, before the virus he helped unleash destroys half the population of Florida]."

Kerry - Actually he only provides security, other people spread the virus. But he does have to battle the world most deadly agent, she is the one who recruited him and his lover, in an epic showdown. And trust me, a virus that kills stupid people would wipe out way more than just half of Florida, we're talking World Wide event. LOL.

Hey Anthony. :) First of all, it's a little difficult to comment on a logline when we have not read the script, but, with that said, a logline needs to be clear to anyone -- familiar or not. I think what you have is almost there. :) Perhaps move elements around; "When a hardened convict is recruited into a paramilitary OPs group, he discovers they intend to wipeout the world's mentally deficient with a virus and must turn on his employers to save those in peril."

Using 'bad' 4 times in a LOGLINE doesn't make anything clearer, more suspenseful or better.

"Bad" is too generic.

dats one bad ass logline!

Hey Fiona, what do you think about this one? A bad man, recruited by bad guys to do bad things finds his conscience when his employers attempt to globally exterminate the intellectually challenged.

Here's my take: A bad man, recruited by bad guys to do bad things, has his amoral nature tested when he's recruited to assist in the killing of the mentally disabled.

Another go at it: Recruited by bad people to do bad things, a convict turned spy, finds his conscience and must stop a synthetic virus from killing off all people with I.Q.s below genius level.

I'm curious as to who the bad people are and what bad things? How about this: Upon discovering his conscience, a convict turned spy must stop a synthetic virus from killing off all non geniuses.

Billy - Please feel free to check out the summary for "POTUS" I posted on my profile. It will change soon, as I am currently rewriting the script to reflect a change in the main character.

lol Sam. Shall I bring you a virtual coffee? Maybe I brew it this way: 'Bad. Dark. Killing.'?

Sam, ... and bad HOT probably.

How about: When an elitist scientist discovers a laboratory strain of 72-hour flu eliminates those he considers intellectually inferior, he agonizes between allowing a seeming utopia to take hold or battling fellow geniuses out to kill him because he objects to their schemes. I wanted to say "eugenicist", but I thought "elitist" would give a smoother read. Needs to be shortened, though.

"A hermetic researcher turns against his benefactor foundation when he learns his data is being used to exterminate the intellectually challenged."

When did a scientist become the protagonist? Are we rewriting the script now, not just the logline?

I am currently rewriting the script. Which means that the logline and synopsis will ultimately change. In the original script (which has gotten honorable mentions) the protagonist was a scientist that uncovered the evil plot as it was happening. He was not very interesting, but everyone else around him was. In the rewrite I picked the most interesting character and tell the story from his point of view. The concept is the same but the spotlight is on the bad guy who becomes a good guy. Which adds more flavor to the script.