I seem to post a lot to this lounge, but I suppose that's because I'm new here and I find the advice incredibly helpful! Anyway, I'm currently writing a scene for a television script in which my protagonist pulls into a motel car park (parking lot) to see his estranged daughter standing there. The scene currently looks like this: EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK CAR PARK, DAY. The Mustang reaches the dusty car park. There's a girl standing next to a very used orange KTM 450 EXC. She's eighteen, dirty blonde with heavy eye liner. CUT TO: INT. MUSTANG, CONTINUOUS. Jon can't believe his eyes. Jon: Grace? Is there any way of doing this without the cut to inside the car? If so please elaborate! Thanks is advance.
Screenwriting : Slug line help by Dylan McKenzie
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Why a specific type of car and why so specific a motorcycle? Unless these items are CRITICAL to the story they should be generalized. As far as your question: EXT. PARK - DAY The MUSTANG reaches the dusty car park. GRACE, a teenaged blonde with heavy eye-liner stands next to a used dirt bike. MUSTANG Jon's eye pop as if seeing her for the first time. JON Grace? The director/cinematographer will figure out how to shoot the scene from there.
Both the car and bike hold importance later in the story, which is why they're so specific. Thank you for clearing that up, Anthony.
Maybe Jon could get out of his car, as through the windscreen his vision is impaired by sun glare, and at first he is unsure whether or not it could be his daughter. The door slams, silence, they both face each other, as he stands by the car. Close ups on both their faces, showing initial curiosity followed by bewilderment, then capture the moment they both acknowledge each other. Just a thought. Happy Weekend. Ps. The doorbell just gone, so will come up with written slug line another time!
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well, you shouldn't have the CUT TO to begin with. you don't need that transition between the scenes.
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You could use: INT./EXT. MUSTANG Then we know you are going back and forth.
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Agree with Danny. Get rid of the CUT TO, it shouldn't be there, then you can leave the rest of it the way you already have it, it's qute acceptable and there's nothing wrong with it.
No need for CUT TO: I/E MUSTANG - DAY Jon pulls into the motel car park and recognizes his daughter. JON What the.... Jon parks his car then, without detection, walks back to the used KTM 450 EXC and places his arm around Grace. JON Hey baby. (lowers his voice) Not a word. (beat) Let's walk.
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I know you didn't ask this but you only write what you can see on the screen. You can't see "Jon can't believe his eyes" on screen so it doesn't belong in your script.
You can differentiate the outside scenery when inside the car by using: INT. MUSTANG / EXT. MOTEL (PARKING LOT) - DAY or INT. MUSTANG / EXT. ROAD TO MOTEL - DAY It is important for your continuity when filming transit scenes from inside the vehicles. And whatever you describe inside this scene will be seen from inside the car. I agree that you should get rid of the CUT TO. It's kind of implied when you change of scene anyways.
By the way, I know there are no universal consensus on the following but here are my 2 cents: - "Jon can't believe his eyes" is an expression you may want to turn into physical description or better known as "show, don't tell". If you focus on describing the physical gesture of your character, you will give more way to subtext. Defining the reactions of your characters by an emotion is "the easy way out" and has the drawback of limiting the interpretation the reader does of it. So, maybe, you'll want to describe how he opens his eyes wide or bends over to the wheel or his knuckles turn white because he tightened up his grip on the wheel, etc. Basically it's about removing anything that the viewer can't see physically, any emotional interpretation (subjective) or anything that results from character introspection. It's also important because what you imagine when Jon can't believe his eyes might be very different for the director or the producer. - "She's eighteen, dirty blonde with heavy eye liner." Then again, you may hear different opinions. I'd recommend you describe the age of your character instead of stating her actual age. This will make it easier for the casting because it does not close the door to new ideas and does not offend actors that have been casted when they read it. And yeah it's just my humble opinion...
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Hi! That conundrum is a DOP/Director discussion. They may well flip it to a whole new level with something completely different. Just tel the story, nopt the shots :) Jon pulls into motel carpark. Dust, sun. And something else. A girl. (Note: If I were the actor I wouldn't say "Grace" because I'd just be speechless, in shock. You can "see" that moment of shock without writing words for it) Jon releases his seatbelt, slowly. Opens the car door and gets out. The girl watches him. Dust, sun. Jon shuts the car door. He can hear a woman in the distance, shouting angrily from her motel room. The girl's eyes on him. He walks towards the girl. GIRL Hi, Dad. The woman shouts again from inside her room. Or whatever! Now all the shots are left to your director/DOP to decide on :) Great premise - exciting!
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Vanessa is right. Don't try to direct the director just tell the story.
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Dan is right about Vanessa being right. (A little Blazing Saddles humor)
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What Pierre said: Get rid of the CUT TO: and leave the rest as it is. (I have no idea why people dislike sluglines)
No offense taken! Worrying about that punctuation now, though... ;) scans it again \O/
Girl reach for car door and enters the mustang :)
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@RB: I agree with RB being right about Dan saying Vanessa is right. I'm so glad these children were here today to hear that speech!
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Gabby Johnson...