Hi, I finished my Renegade screenplay would anyone to do me a favour by giving it a read? Renegade is 112 pages. Premise: Earth was made inhabitable long ago, sections of humanity flew the cosmos and populated new planets. It is not that simple however, ruptures appeared in the boards, which caused dithering, eventually leading to the extermination of those populations. Something different needs to happen on Jalos or the species will be lost. Tag line: Social justice warrior try's to end corrupt space politics.
Your Stage : Feature complete, Renegade! by Jabari Sandy
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confusing premise. what is 'ruptures appeared in the boards"? what is Jalos? who or what species? tag line reads/sounds like a court room drama
Unfortunately, I have to agree with Dan. The premise doesn't lead to a story. Who is the main character? What is the problem on Jalos? Why can't the main character fix the problem? Who or what is preventing the problem from being fixed? Why do we even care about any of it? You don't need a tag line (studio advertising execs provide that), you need a log line that is one or two sentences that sum up the entire screenplay into a coherent story. (Ex. After discovering that the ruling religion on his planet has their origins all wrong, a young monk must fight his way to Earth to learn a new way of living in order to save his home.) If you message me, I'll read the first 10 and let you know what I think. I warn you, I never learned how to sugar coat things. You'll get the truth.
Person must struggle with emotional problem (or character flaw) in order to deal with physical problem (that plot thing) before deadline or else (consequences). Your logline may be completely different than that, but those are the things you should consider being in there. Another thing: "space politics" makes it sound like a story that could easily have been told on Earth, so the idea isn't what is interesting, just the location. Which means lots of added expense for no real reason. Now, that may not be the case - so find what makes the concept different, not the surface stuff.
Thanks, I realise I'm not great at loglines. Didn't know which part to focus on.
OK
PM me if you want.
David, go post pointless comments elsewhere please. I requested you Mark. It is not my strongest area Patricia. I am working on it.
Not an option at the moment but I will take a class on both at some point.
You miss understand me, I have no problem with you pointing it out :) I enjoy writing scripts, my grammar not being top notch isn't a huge deal to me but like I say it's improving. It's nowhere near ready for readers, it's just the first readable draft.