Any suggestions are welcome. If you have a better or more efficient way of formatting this scene please share.
"Fade in:
1. Ext. EXPANSIVE SHOT/IMAGE OF CELESTIAL SPACE
“HE CHANGES THE TIMES AND THE SEASONS;
HE REMOVES KINGS AND RAISES UP KINGS;
…HE REVEALS DEEP AND SECRET THINGS;
HE KNOWS WHAT IS IN THE DARKNESS…”
DANIEL 2
(Ominous FOREIGN SOUNDS originating somewhere in deep space)
2. INT. INSIDE CAR ARMSTRONG FAMILE -DAY -MOVING
MAGGIE, a simple ordinary nine-year-old girl with nothing but time on her hands, looks out her car window as she and her family drive to their new home while passing a park in the background.
ROB ARMSTRONG
(dad)
Look kids a park- that looks fun.
KAREN ARMSTRONG
(mom)
See this place has everything; its not too small not too big."
Sorry the spacing changed once I posted this: there's extra spacing between the scene header and the verse also between (ominous foreign sounds). And the verse Daniel 2 is centered.
Hi James, for one, don't put camera angles. Not sure what's up with the what's going on under #1. As for #2. Int. Car - Day. Maggie, (9) simple and ordinary, dazes out the car window as they drive through a suburban neighborhood.
Rob Armstrong (30's) drives while his wife Karen Armstrong (30's) points out the window at a park. Then add the dialogue. "See this place has everything...."
Hope this helps : )
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First thing to do is to drop the scene numbers. You never write scene numbers in a draft.
Secondly, the your first scene isn't really a scene so all you have to write is:
FADE UP to image of Space with quotation,
"He changes the Times and the seasons... etc."
- Daniel 2
You need to describe what the "ominous foreign sounds" are. this is too vague to be of any use.
Thirdly, you describe MAGGIE having "nothing but time on her hands." This isn't action so needs to be cut out, as is "she and her family drive to their new home,".
Maggie is looking out the window and she sees a park. That's the action.
Try describing her facial gestures, her eyes, to show what she feels.
Rob, Maggie's dad is driving. (brief description) Karen, Maggie's mom, is in the passenger seat. (brief description)
ROB
Look Maggie, a park-- that looks fun.
KAREN
See, this place has everything. Not too big, not too small.
Hope this helps :)
Thank you all for taking the time. I could not decide how to format the opening scene displaying the bible verse with space as a back drop plus strange alien sounds over the audio. Then the transition to the car.
Kay - a question to you as you're still down there in the belly of the beast: In my specs I start with (left justified) FADE IN, I never (well almost) include any transitions in the body and end with (right justified) FADE OUT. - a comma after the IN and a period after the OUT. Has anything changed? Thanx
I try not to use transitions except for the opening and closing UNLESS I have two completely disparate storylines and a super between the scenes over black. In an adaptation I've been working on, I use a couple of supers over black between scenes and I use a fade in after the super.
What Kay said, but you should also include your Daniel 2 reference in your SUPER so people don't think you just made it up.
Yes, Kay is right on the money. Avoid transition shots unless absolutely necessary. Here's an article from a couple years back that might help explain: https://www.finaldraft.com/learn/final-draft-blog/transitions-cut-not-cut/
OK so that's page 1 of my script; stay tuned for page 2. Only 102 more to go and we are going to have a badass script. Just kidding. I joke.
Kay Luke, how would you describe characters in a stadium bleachers that don't have speaking roles in that scene but would later? For example "Lisa (30's) at the game last night sat 2 rows behind the Armstrongs." I have never seen it done before in a script but I have about 10 folks seating together in one scene then recycled later in the story with action and dialogue.
So I assume you only want Kay's expert advice and not the advice of others on how to format that?? I guess we can just all walk away now.
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Of course not Christine don't walk out on me. Kay was real involved with this thread throughout and others had asked for Kay's input. I took your advice and rewrote how I introduced the main characters in the car. So your opinion is valid and that goes for everyone else as well just thought most had moved on.
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Yeah there's a lot of talented people on here so it's nice and helpful getting feedback from them.
You lost me with the first action sentence.. “he”. Is this supposed to be a text crawl on the screen like Star Wars “A long time ago...”
Here is a great first page. “Frat Boy Genius” screenwriter wins readers with her “voice”. Simple formatting. Short sentences. All the stuff gurus tell writers not to do in a spec, the writer does it.
Dan MaxXx thank you for the sample. What I'm attempting to do is start with Daniel 2" He" with the vastness of space behind the words while alien sounds(which would be weird unusual sounds to us) over the audio. Does that make sense?