Hey all, apologies if this is posted somewhere and I missed it but is there a good place to post a short script to get feedback from the collective? I’ve revised this sucker a number of times but need some outside brains and eyeballs. Thanks in advance!
Screenwriting : Feedback on a short script? by Kristy Ellington
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You can do it on your profile page. Add logline/script
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You can also try Zoetrope.com, CoverflyX and/or Reddit's screenplay subs.
Ah! Thanks so much for the info. I have uploaded the short script here: https://www.stage32.com/profile/607171/Screenplay/Meadow-Valley-Dollhouse-Compeititon
Would really appreciate any/all feedback this community has!
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Kristy - I printed it out and will get to it within a couple of days. At first glance, there's way to much verbiage. I'll send you an invite when I've finished so I can send my notes to you via email.
Thanks, Doug! I'll look forward to your feedback once you have a chance to read it.
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SPOILER ALERT: for others who may read the story. Don't read my comments.
I read your short story. That is a really touching, sad and sweet story. Nice pacing, tone, dialogue and characters. Nice transformation of Nate, and method of transformation. Nice theme, conflicts and resolution. I'd watch that. It's totally relatable and believable.
You have a really great narrative style. Depression snacks...AKA His Happy Place...nothing good happens on TV after 11 p.m....Hand of God...like he drank snake juice...Dean looks directly at Nate through the TV...the frequencies of space and time sentence...those are awesome word choices, thoughts and descriptions.
One minor suggestion...I'd get rid of the "I heard" so you can get that "either" on the same page. And "Victorian" should be capital "V" throughout. I would also delete "This is where things get interesting", and just go with "Nate" You don't need to tell us that, we get it when we see it. It's also a bit inappropriate, and things were interesting way before that anyway, or else I wouldn't have even reached that point.
One major suggestion...maybe you left it hanging that way intentionally so we'd think about it...I'd like to see Sara say, after Nate mentions badminton, "I've always wanted to play badminton," and maybe see Nate's reaction, too.
But that's a really great little story. It's pretty perfect, other than those couple edits, at least to me. And the ending...you may not like my suggestion, but that's okay. It's your story. But great job. I bet you'd write some great stories about being a young woman growing up/existing, like Greta Gerwig and Marielle Gloeckner do.
You definitely have some writing chops, and best fortunes in your creative endeavors, Kristy!
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Bill Costantini Thank you so much for taking the time to read the script and offer this feedback. And wow — thank you so much for the kind words. It really means a lot to me.
I'll definitely take your note into consideration for the ending. I hadn't thought about that, but that's a great moment. Thank you again!
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I agree with much of bills review. Definitely have chops.
One thing I would add is sometimes you used "cut to:" and sometimes you didn't. Sometimes they were on the left other times on the right. I would just do away with them entirely you don't really need them.
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If you do need a transition though it should go on the right
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Thank you, Jeff! I have been using Highland 2 and it seems to tweak formatting sometimes, but that’s no excuse for me not catching it and fixing before sending out. Appreciate the notes and feedback!
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Great Script Kristy! I really enjoyed the story and I thought your pacing was really well done. The only suggestion would be getting rid of CUT TO. Going to the next scene heading let's us know we have cut.
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Kristy, I told you I'd get back to you after I had a chance to read it - I've read it. It's a truly wonderful story based on a solid premis. Now all you gotta do is rewrite it TIGHT and in an industry acceptable format. I'm sending you an invite and if you'd like I'll help you pull it together.
I appreciate it, Doug! Thank you for your time and I’d love further insight if you are willing to share.
Hey Kristy I just read your script. I'm actually learning how to hone screenplays as well. If you like we could facetime and give you any feedback possible. Also I can read it outloud to you so you can hear how your script is like from another persons voice.