So, I’m going to start from scratch from my previous logline I asked about. But I do have another one to get some feedback on. What about: “A bumbling Scottish lackey must pose as a therapist in order to become a made man”
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What's good, Amber! There are many 'formulas' to writing an effective logline. I use this one for the most part: WHEN, the inciting incident happens, A FLAWED LEAD, MUST, the objective., OR ELSE, the stakes. ... Try running your components through this equation and see what you get...
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Ok, so I did some more thinking and I came up with this: “After an American steals from the British mob, a bumbling Scottish lackey must pose as a therapist and kill the American to become a made man”
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A loglines job is to tell me who the protagonist is, what they must do because of an obstacle placed before them and what MAY happen if they fail.
When a bumbling mob lackey finds himself posing as the therapist in order to kill his bosses enemy, he must …… before …..
If killing the American is the goal then he must kill the American before for example the American kills him. Or the mob lose patience and kill the lackey. Say he befriends or falls in love with the American and doesn't want to kill him/her. The mob gets pissed and sends a killer to end both their lives.
For example …. A bumbling mob lackey finds himself posing as a therapist to kill his bosses enemy in order to become a made man. When they fall in love, he must come clean and escape before his boss discovers the truth and sends men to kill them both.
Whist the above example is not great it demonstrates to the reader exactly who and what the story is about. It shows what happens to stop the Protagonist achieving his perceived goals, in order to achieve a goal that would truly bring him happiness. Thus arcing the Protagonist from his belief money and status will bring him happiness, when in fact love is what brings him into his own. Through love he finds courage and conviction he never had.
Obviously I have no idea the tone or plot to your screenplay, this is just an example. However had the logline been right I would know. Remember a log line is not a teaser, it exists only to tell the reader what they need to know in order to open the screenplay. Leaving out plot points doesn't make the reader open the page to discover what happens. It makes the reader less likely because they are not given everything they want to make an informed choice over another well formatted Logline. They are looking for the next money making project and they will pick up the screenplay that tells them what they need to know before they read it. The logline is for that purpose only, it is a tool for the industry to work out which script to read in an over saturated market.