Screenwriting : I've got a Superhero pilot I need feedback on, anyone interested? by Marvin Serwanga

The concept sounds interesting but as mentioned above, the arc is familiar. I would suggest focusing on the "learn what it takes to be a hero" portion and see if you can make the logline even more specific to Kia - is she a teenager, is she a person of color, is she resistant to MI5 interference? Basically, anything that you can do to make the logline more specific and relevant to today's audiences will help the logline stand out!

Hi Jess, she is black. The story deals with a lot with sudden social media fame and the struggles that come with it. Should that be in the logline? She's 19 years old.

Because that is the key thematic focus of the story I think it could be worth mentioning. In this case, I'm thinking about cold query emails where the person might know nothing about you and only receive the logline. You have a concept that is more than just an average superhero story, so getting that across is key to getting noticed

What is her super power?

Tully Archer The personal reason is someone dies because she delayed in saving a civilians friend. The guilt she feels pushes her to meet with the MI5 agent, get training and start saving people.

@richard her super power is super strength and speed.

@gary You got it exactly right, The superhero parent is interesting. I've been messing around with the idea of her parents having powers, but haven't fully explored it yet. I'll have to think about that one.

What makes it hard for her to be a superhero?

@Richard She wants to hold on to her old life.

@Lyter Her flaw is she's always seeking validation, because of her lack of identity. So all the criticism she gets from social media/television negatively affects her.

@Gary That's another interesting idea, Gary! I'm going to look into exploring both ideas you mentioned.

I LOVE Female-driven stories!!! Check out my profile!

Could you send a treatment? I don't know if I have time to read and give feedback on a whole screenplay.

I'm not surprised your brain hurts, constructive feedback should not be insulting.

@Marty Howe, not the way to give constructive feedback . . .

Thank you Gary Floyd there's nothing new under the sun. Not even going to respond to that comment Marty posted.

When folks ask for feedback please give constructive, usable feedback. This is a community that is about networking, learning and helping. Regarding the logline I would say that it doesn't give me enough about Kia. She uses her powers to stop a bank robbery. Is she a reluctant hero? Did she stop the bank robbery because folks were in danger? How does MI5 get involved? They don't seem to tie together for me. Keep at it though. Loglines are not easy. Happy Writing and pay no attention to the critics.

Marvin - Who are your bad guys? A hero needs adversaries.

Give me the same thing, only different. The whole idea of many Superhero films nowadays is that the hero is flawed and broken. It is not that they do not want to live up to their "full" potential, they simply don't want to be a superhero at all. Because it only brings misery. They want a normal life in a world that is spinning or has spun out of control. "Unbreakable", Watchmen", "Hancock", "The Crow" etc.

First off, congratulations on writing your script in the first place. I would love to do a coverage for you.

Congrats and yes!

I would like to know what her superpower is. Then I would have an idea of what she faces.

What would be a potential problem or cost to be a hero? Her stake or something to put in risk in the road to be a hero. Some heroes, like Saitama in One Punch-Man "does not have weaknesses" (because the character is the most powerful creature in the universe, is invencible) but they have the "problem" to be a normal person, to be more "human".