Screenwriting : Polishing my logline by Annelies Morlion

Hi Annelies Morlion

I think it's a little unclear - what are the stakes by your protagonist's professional reputation being damaged and possibly repaired and how does that ties in with a piece of stolen artwork?

Is she currently destitute or unable to work and will this resolve that?

In terms of what type of film - not really - it could be a drama or a thriller, or a heist movie?

Congratulations Annelies on throwing yourself out there with your logline! What a bold and strong attitude!

I agree with Eoin and CJ. It's too "thick" and needs streamlining for clarity. There are too many details, yet they don't help to understand, on the contrary I think they make it more confusing. The backstory elements are unnecessary, and they make the sentences long and hard for the readers to understand. At this point, you only need to create a hook point, and less is more — keep us wondering. Use the most thrilling words and images possible, and make the conflict as big as possible. If I may, I would go for something like this:

"When art dealer Liz [name] discovers her auctioneer husband is and art thief, she decides to save her damaged reputation in a dangerous game of truth or dare."

Just my 2 cents :) Hope this helps, and apologies for rewriting your material :)

Your story sounds like an Erotic/Psychological Thriller... Is she secretly resentful of him or does she really care about him? Are there extramarital affairs on either end? Do they have kids? Or is this just about her looking out for herself? My logline suggestion would be: A woman who discovers about her husband's criminal activities must (objective) or else {stake).

I think Lewis Martin Soucy nailed it!

Your story sounds intriguing. I agree with Lewis on "slimming" it down. I love the plot.

I love thrillers set in the art world! One of my favorite films is Giuseppe Tornatore's "La Migliore Offerta" (The Best Offer) starring Geoffrey Rush, Jim Sturgess, Sylvia Hoeks and Donald Sutherland. I 100% recommend it to anyone writing thrillers out there!

Amazing advice by everyone in this lounge post! There's honestly nothing more I can add. I think Lewis said it best, less is more.

I'm not sure what the genre is. Maybe it's a drama? I don't think it's a thriller because, as written, it seems the protagonist's story goal is to "rebuild her reputation" and that's not thriller-like.

maybe not tell us he is the thief. Maybe it's "when she learns the identity of the thief she needs to decide what is more important, reputation or relationships.

Hi Annelies! Nice to meet you! Congrats on creating a logline for your script. It isn't always easy. In my opinion only, it's a little lengthy, and somewhat confusing. Here's my suggestion, based on a few execs notes I received on loglines, and, of course, without reading your script. I hope it helps you.

A reputable art connoisseur, hiding a damning work mistake, has a crisis of conscious when she discovers stolen artwork inside her husband’s auction house, and learns the identity of the thief.

My best to you!

Good clarity in the inciting incident and what Liz's challenge/fault is. Not sure what is meant by "truth or leverage." Is there a juicer either/or you can create there? What is Liz's choice about?

Here is a suggestion on streamlining, with a few new word choices to intensify the points you are making:

Haunted by a damaging professional mistake, art connoisseur Liz discovers a stolen masterwork hidden in her husband’s prestigious auction house, creating a rare opportunity to rebuild her reputation, either by truth or by leverage.

*by hook or by crook; *by honesty or revenge; *&c.

Great advice and logline Seth Paradox :)

Hey Annelies Morlion - Thanks for posting! Did you know that you can also get help on your logline by posting it in the Logline section on your bio? We host your loglines and you can get ratings and comments. We also do the "Logline" of the week - TWICE a week - on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You can start here: https://www.stage32.com/loglines

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it. CJ Hatch I did as you advised and let it sit for a bit. Today I'm going to work on it based on all the comments. I've also been questioning the stakes and I think I can improve on that too.

Make it simple, say; this woman builds reputation selling artwork her husband provides, but when she founds out it's stolen goods or something else, it's time for tough decision - whether to reveal the scam and put her reputation on risk or go with the flow knowingly?

Logline's just an engine for the story, you'll have time and space to layer up your characters and their actions within the script.

Fog factor is high... needs to be a little more concise and punchy: Liz discovers a valuable artwork stolen by her husband and sees an opportunity to correct a mistake made years ago. Does she tell the truth or use it against him as leverage?

I agree with David!

Hi Annelies, I simplified you logline and added what I felt would be an appropriate stake in the game. Try this:

"An art connoisseur discovers a valuable stolen artwork hidden in her husband’s auction house but must decide what to do when she finds out that he is the thief and the painting is scheduled to be sold in a few days."

Hi Annelies! There's some great suggestions in here! If you're looking for even more feedback, I suggest posting your logline here: https://www.stage32.com/loglines