Hey! Wanted to see what everyone thinks of my story idea for the script I'm writing.
for now, let's just call it SCHOOL BUS
Okay so the story is about a 13 yo named Davion who is embarrassed by his little brother Elliot and sits far away from him on the school bus.
But the school bus is hijacked by two gang members because one girl on the bus is the daughter of their enemy and they are kidnapping her.
One man drives towards the destination while the other takes apart all phones, holds kids hostages with gun.
So Davion has to find way to protect his brother who has panic attacks, like he promised his dad he would, from these murderers.
Davion also knows which gang these men are with from their tattoo and because his cousin was killed by the same gang. So he knows they will kill them all.
Davion and several of his friends must use their wits to communicate with each other and form a plan to fight back under the watchful eye of the violent criminals.
Lotta tension, chases, a big crash.
Okay so it's basically SPEED, but instead of Keanu Reeves it's the cast of Stand By Me. Not really that cast RIP River Phoenix but that age group, character study type.
Thoughts?? I can't get it out of my head!
Sounds like something I would watch!
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Toby Tate Thanks Toby!! I appreciate hearing that!
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I think you have something here, Anna Woodliff! Keep at it.
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Anna sounds very interesting. If you need any help with the writing or flow, let me know. Definitely has potential to become a great thriller.
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I like the idea of this. My only concern would be the violence level of a pic like this. I mean, will the kids have to make choices that could result in them taking measures that could result in people getting killed? If so, how will they deal with that?
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if the film is pitched as family adventure type then you need to make this light and not too scary. Make the bad guys not evil but people making bad choices. If you are pitching this as more action/thriller aimed at older teens/younger adults, then you can go a bit darker and more scary/violent. Check out my script G.I BRO which is Goonies meets Home Alone meets Iron Eagle.
I like your idea though. Maybe the kid with panic attack has some other health issue and needs his medicine each day at certain time. This would up the stakes. Maybe the kids on bus wears down one of the gang members so they can try and turn him. Maybe the bus crashes/runs out of fuel somewhere. Maybe the out of shape poor bus driver that the kids mock day in day out is a secret ex-champion boxer or soldier or ex professional government bodyguard that somehow helps. Could be good script for sure.
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Great premise. A few holes! Davion promises to protect Elliot but sits far away from him? Also, whose story is this? Davion or the daughter (target)? Side note, make the daughter Davion's girlfriend. Tension, tension, tension, help the girlfriend or help his brother. End of side note. And now to the biggest hole of all. If I'm the gangster and I want the kid, I'm going to be a little Clemenza about it; take the kid, leave the bus!
Elaine Haygood i thought about this a lot as well! It would be an adult/older teen film for sure, def darker and more adult than say Goonies.. but if you look at the violence in say Hunger Games, I do think there’s a market for it.. I wouldn’t go as dark as Battle Royale (great Japanese film with kids, super violent). I think speed is a good comparison but the tension and stakes would just be that much higher because people feel so protective of children
@mo Yusuf thank you so much for the feedback!! Yes that is a great point - what necessitates taking the whole bus? I could work it out tho, like it’s a job gone wrong and they can’t identify which girl she is and are about to get caught so have to run mid job or something with the whole bus... lots of ways to do it but I’ll be sure to make it clear why they are in that situation!
Speed didn't even come to mind so you're headed down the right road (pun). I like the idea. Sounds fun the title could be better, perhaps the name of the gangs? Also, where are they going? If it's a field trip then that would give time for dialogue/action. From PHX to the Grand Canyon you could get Acts 1&2 and the 3rd at the destination. Imagine that bus going into the canyon? OR, if they are going to school maybe the school bus drives around the city until nightfall searching for a solution to escape, Speed meets Training Day. The school bus has to gas up, maybe a character can slip away and form a dragnet with the police, covertly? If need be maybe you can switch buses to throw off the audience/police? And an opening like The Dark Knight comes to mind. If you can have the school bus "make a big entrance", instead of loading cash, your villains load the main characters. TITLES: The Scenic Route, The Last Stop, Class Action (lol).
I hope you flesh it out more.
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Could be great. But I am a dark a SOB.
I’d have the brother older brother save the little brother then die. Yep, I am not above killer kids for the sake of the story.
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Thank you soo much to everyone for the encouragement and feedback!! I am in MS so my screenwriting aspirations are lonely at the moment and I love getting to hear from other writers.
@Jerel Damon love the field trip idea!!! That would explain why the rich daughter of a crime boss is on a school bus. Gang members know about field trip and see an opening to get access to her. If they planned it right (rural road faking to be police or something) they could take over bus with no one knowing and have daughter and transportation set until they reach their mark. Not sure about Canyon, but geography is super important- i was thinking the destination where the gang guys are taking them to their boss could be an area where, for some reason, authorities have less access to it? Like a mountain with trees where helicopters would have a hard time or a Reservation where the jurisdiction is different. Not sure yet still workshopping but seriously thank you for such awesome ideas!!
@Craig D Griffiths All great writers have to be a little sadistic right? I do have a kid get killed when they fight back - sweet kid but not Davion or Elliot. And if I go the field trip route both driver and chaperone would be shot up front i think
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Great Story idea, Anna! Question? Will it have comedic moments? Like Home alone? Or just a straight drama, thriller with a twist? BTW, you do know children are very creative in school? When I was in 3rd grade we used pig Latin to talk so the teacher could never figure out what we were saying (lol memories). Maybe have them use sign language as a way to communicate. Diversify the kids Have a deaf kid as a supporting protagonist. WILL they be on the bus the entire story OR will they end up trapped at a destination? The key is will the gang hijackers use stealth OR just go with guns blazing on the hostage heist. I'm quite sure the rich daughter has some type of tough security with her daddy being a gang or crime boss. The premise is the hostage heist. your B-story is the two brothers. Do the brothers have a love/annoyed relationship? Does one of them have feelings for the rich daughter? Puppy love? Is there a kid bully who gives away the brothers' plan to the gang hijackers? Does the bus driver gets killed? What is the arc of the brothers? do they start out broken? But their love and strength they didn't know they have, pull them through and save the day?
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Anna Woodliff Great idea! Few bits to flesh out, but that is a fantastic start! Love it, keep going!