Hi fellow screenwriters
It has come to my attention that my loglines are a sticking point and need improvement. Even after watching a high profile tutorial on logline writing, I apparently don't have it yet. Perhaps some are better than others but I'm needing feedback and constructive criticism on my loglines.
I have several projects listed in my profile and would greatly appreciate it if the community would please take a moment to review my loglines.
Your time and advice is appreciated very much, thank you.
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writing a suitable logline is harder than writing a script. I've got one I'm still not 100% happy with too and constantly have it mulling around my head.
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Hi I enjoy solving log lines like some folk love puzzles or crosswords, will have a peak!
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Hi I meant “peek” at them but had just been talking about Peaky Blinders LOL.
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Johnathan Burns, for a logline, you want something like: "After ______ (something happens/the inciting incident), a _______ (the protagonist with an adjective) tries to _______ (goal of story) so ________ (stakes)."
Loglines are one or two sentences. You can add the antagonist in the logline. The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline.
Example #1:
"After a group of dog criminals arrives in a small town, an impulsive dog sheriff defends a dog treat factory so they won't steal food that's meant for hungry dog families."
Example #2:
"A dysfunctional couple works together to survive against bears after they crash on an abandoned road miles from help."
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I'll give Troubled Water a go as that's in my genre. First point, I think it's confusing to say the daughter is estranged from her dead father. I don't think one can be estranged from any dead person. Maybe just: "The daughter of a murdered businessman seeks to uncover her father’s mysterious past only to be haunted by the same enemy that put him in the grave." But still there are problems as I see it. The word, "haunted" suggests a supernatural force. Is that so? Or is it misleading? Also, what are the stakes here? What are her obstacles?
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Eric Christopherson thank you for your feedback. How does this read?
'When the daughter of a murdered businessman discovers the truth behind her father’s mysterious past, the same enemy that put him in the grave turns their attention to her in a bid to finally steal the family fortune.'
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This is great!
1. Make the mystery clear please.
2. steal
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David Santo Thank you! A little more of a change - I think it's clear he was murdered - the mystery is now under the shroud of the mental asylum.
'When the daughter of a wealthy businessman discovers the truth behind her father’s demise in a mental asylum, the same enemy that put him in the grave turns their attention to her in a bid to finally steal the family fortune.'
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So so. who's the main character? Is there more than one enemy? You used "their" for enemy. Maybe add a few words for urgency/stakes; must happen or else more murders
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Yes, I like that new logline, Johnathan.
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Johnathan Burns, from the new logline, it sounds like "the same enemy" is the main character.
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Hi Johnathan! I love writing loglines, so I thought I'd give it a go! I wanted to keep your vision as I wrote it. Hope you like it. So here goes:
Logline:
After the guilt-ridden daughter of a wealthy businessman learns the truth behind his unsolved murder in the mental asylum, now trapped, she must survive the same unseen enemy's diabolical scheme to steal her family's fortune.
Cheers, mate!
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Short and sweet. Don't know what she does, so I wrote dig her grave:
A successful business woman is hard handled by the same gang who got away with murdering her father and must dig her own grave to save the family fortune.
there is no training for that. just observation and intuition... in the supermarket !
take note why the labels are the way they are: why did you choose that shampoo over another (for the first time):: was it a reccomendation from a friend? or there was something in the logline text in the label that made you buy it ?
expand search for all products around you. we live in a logline world trying to get us to read the next line, to click the link, to watch the youtube...
as you start to see patterns, then you will be able to understand theory and practice of marketing pitchs... to finally be able to try to write those.
another good experience is to try to buy a car. pay attention to the word usage of the car vendor... then tell the vendor that you will ask your mother to help you decide - it'll free you from the vendor awhile giving insight on 'pitch'
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This is the best advice on writing a Logline that I've read or listened to: https://www.writeyourscreenplay.com/how-to-write-a-logline-screenwriting-tips/