Hello gang.
I've created a 5 minute pitch to practice on Stage32 - any feedback would be great. Can't be any longer. Have I captured the essence and key elements well enough, and the story engine?
5 Minute Pitch “Breaking Peace” by Suzy Miller
Breaking Peace is a satirical eco-drama which follows a team of UK civil servant misfits at the new Ministry of Peace. Led by their neurologically diverse team leader, they defend the world from eco-terrorists and warmongers lurking both outside and inside of Parliament. A continuing comedy drama series, incorporating episodic adventures.
As a Researcher at the the new Ministry of Peace in London, England, MADDY SMITH knows better than anyone why the mid twenty-first Century is no time to be bringing children into the world. Climate Change tipping points are so close you can touch them. The threat of nuclear arms proliferation hangs heavy in the air. And even though Maddy refuses to accept her diagnosis of ‘Schizotypal Personality Disorder’, being Neuro-divergent and single, Maddy is conflicted about her yearning to be a mother.
So why has she got a bag of frozen sperm in her freezer? Because primal longings are still abundant even in a world where the latest TESLA pushchair is solar powered, electric cars snitch on you if you park illegally, and the AI hoover eats your underwear.
Brigit Jones meets Erin Brokovitch, Maddy possesses an air of naivety, an indomitable freshness. Making a difference in the world seemed impossible stuck in the basement with her fellow ‘diversity hires’ at the Ministry of Oceans and Fisheries, but luckily she is fired on her birthday from the Ministry of Fish for telling the truth, a serious handicap for anyone working for the government, because she’s exposed the amount of plastic contamination in the fish products of a company who also happens to be a sponsor of the ministry she works for.
Having bombed in her interview with environmental campaigner turned strait-laced lawyer CHRISTIAN BARNES, proving to herself that she’ll never get a job in ‘the real world’, Maddy lands her dream post at the brand spanking new Ministry of Peace. She’s unaware that her estranged father - the Minister of Weather Modification who’s about as green as a bucket of coal - has pulled strings to get Maddy hired because he wants her to be his eyes and ears at the Ministry he intends to destroy.
With its remit to hold other government ministries to account for the destructive impact of their policies on climate change and world peace, Maddy realises she has joined the most hated ministry of them all. Whilst the new Minister for Peace is making an idiot of himself dancing to the BeeGees ‘Stayin’ Alive’ on TikTok, Maddy’s Pokemon Onesie-wearing gaming friends from her old Ministry embark on regular secret missions that are much more dangerous than their usual Dungeons and Dragons cosplay. They battle eco-terrorists and disillusioned peace activists in national security related quests, which must remain covert so as not to risk bringing the new ministry into disrepute.
But how do you fight for peace without using violence or underhand methods?
How do you know who you should be supporting, when both sides have a valid viewpoint?
Maddy’s diverse team is comprised of a Whiteboard-warrior who communicates with satirical graffiti as a perfect solution to her dyslexia. A Gamer Geek who happens to be deaf. An ex-soldier with PTSD. A wheelchair-warrior hardcore vegan completes the team. Maddy herself hears voices through her earpiece even when her phone battery is dead. When the world is in crisis, you take mentorship from wherever you can. Even if you’re the only one that can hear those voices.
According to the latest landmark Diamond diversity report, 20% of the UK population have a disability, but only 8.3% are represented on-screen. I believe non-disabled writers have a moral imperative to include a range of characters who reflect the reality of our world, but whose disabilities don’t define them. It’s just one aspect of their humanity. As award winning CODA deaf actress Marlee Matlin said in a recent interview, “I shouldn’t be begging for work…. the opportunities should be the same.”
Throughout the series Maddy’s greatest conflict is that she can’t resist seeing more of the lawyer Christian. Their unrequited sexual tension provides both drama and comedy throughout the series.
Fundamentally they see the world in completely different ways. Christian believes in making small significant changes, Maddy’s focus is on the bigger picture, believing that sometimes people have to be sacrificed for the greater good.
At the end of the pilot episode, Maddy’s first research job is revealed: to dig up dirt on Christian to help win a test-case for the Ministry as a legal precedent, in which Christian is the sacrificial lamb for a brand new law. The more Maddy uncovers about Christian’s activist history which will discredit him in court, the more she hates herself for betraying him by destroying his career, in order to save her own.
At the end of series 1, Maddy has finally understood that small acts of courage are powerful in creating positive change, and Christian embraces the need for international top-down reforms - but Christian unwittingly ruins the opportunity for them to finally be together, played out in series two, when he joins the Ministry team as an international human rights lawyer where interdepartmental romantic relationships are strictly forbidden. Maddy’s romance with Christian is further hampered by Christian’s determination not to have any more children, because his daughter died from an asthma attack triggered by air pollution, under the auspices of the previous London Mayor - Maddy’s estranged father.
Multi-award winning movie Don’t Look Up demonstrates a hunger for intelligent entertaining satirical eco-dramas. Breaking Peace is right at the head of this curve, and will establish ecological drama as a vibrant and necessary new strand for commissioners to be excited about, with a willing audience as Netflix has discovered. A non-cynical approach to cynical problems that taps into current fears, but leaves the audience clinging to Maddy’s Ted Lasso style optimism.
As our heroine tells the bomber about to blow up the Ministry of Peace in the final scenes of series one:
“A peaceful world is an idea. And you can’t kill an idea.”
1 person likes this
You misspelled two movie titles.
The whole pitch has too many references to produced movies & tv shows.
Not sure what world you're creating. For example, you label Maddy as "Jones meets Brockovich" and then later compare her to "Ted Lasso" optimism.
the pitch is hard to read and digest in one reading. (For me).
1 person likes this
Suzy, I get your story engine and I am very intrigued with Your Protagonist MADDY.
I wrote a written pitch in a similar synopsis format and it is NOT what execs want!
There is an evolving "Pitch format and requirements" that is presented in Stage32 Education, 'How to Pitch to Netflix' and a few of there other free and paid webinars that has been helpful for me but it has not resulted in an ASK for a Script from any EXEC so far.
I have signed up for a Stage32 Private Pitching Lab in July...
Good Luck.
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@Dan Max - which two movie titles?
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Suzy, I enjoyed it - I love the world you're creating and your pitch makes for an interesting read. Whether this format will work, I'm not qualified to say, but I wish you luck with it!
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Hii. On first read, it seems hard to follow. Also, have you committed to be more character driven or concept driven as it is difficult to be both! I would not reference more than one TV/film to compare it to, so people can "understand" the theme/tone. I know it's tempting to do but try to have the pitch stand on its own. If the person being pitched, makes that connection, (Ted Lasso for example) that is much better--because they thought of it. Sorry to be so negative. I do believe that if you build a more clearly understandable and compelling pitch, you will have more chance of succeeding. Best of luck.