Screenwriting : Advice on how to improve my logline? by Zorrawa Jefferson

Hi Zorrawa - the format I use for loglines is: setup who / empathy / dilemma / action / goal / twist of irony. It helps me and maybe can help you as well!

So, it might go something like... A kind-hearted boy stands up to a group of delinquent kids so a deaf transfer student can feel safe, placing himself in harm's way.

That is good. The only thing that I would change is that I would start off with the deaf transfer student if that is the main character. So: "When a deaf transfer student is tormented by a group of delinquent kids (or may be better just so say bullies), a kind-hearted boy etc.

Try this - "When a kind-hearted but socially awkward boy, stands up to a group of delinquents tormenting the new deaf transfer student, it sets off a chain of events that have far reaching consequences."

Nice first draft: A kind-hearted boy defends a deaf student being bullied by delinquent kids or A deaf, transferred student is defended by a kind-hearted student against bullies at school. It also depends on which character is the main focus, that's who should be in lead.

This is the logline format I use: WHO the story is about, what do they want (their GOAL), and what stands in their way (the OBSTACLE). Hope this helps.

I like Antony's take. That is if the kind-hearted boy is the protagonist, which I think he is. What I don't like is the non-specific end, I mean what kind of events? And if he fails, what kind of hell ,(the far reaching consequences) does that lead to?

It already has everything it needs, but clearer stakes could look like this.

An over-kind boy faces severe social consequences after he protects a deaf transfer student against a delinquent group lead by the principal’s son.

That's much better Wall, but with ending with the bad guy, you're "burying the lead."

Good points Rutger. By "burying the lead", do you mean that another bad guy would take over?

I learned on www.logline.it that (for the gurus there)it means ending the logline with the bad guy takes away the importants of the good guy, and could endn confuse people who 'is' the lead.

They creativly (mis)used what it normaly means: "The "lede" or "lead" catches the readers' attention and gives them an idea about the rest of the story. So, the idiom "bury the lede" has the same meaning as "bury the lead"—delaying the delivery of the most important information in a news article."

The only thing I would drop is delinquent. It works fine as a logline. I know exactly what the story is. Which is the function of a logline. I remember the winner of the “on the page” logline contest was “a man clones his wife so he can fall in love with her again”

Your logline tells a story not a scenario, which most loglines set out to do. From that scenario we can infer the story.

Nice,Zorrawa. Maybe change begin for begun snd drop words-- delinquent,transfer and social. Good Luck. Best, Jed.

How about this Zorrawa Jefferson

In a story where a compassionate young student courageously stands up to defend a new classmate who is deaf from the relentless bullying of a group of unruly peers, risking social backlash in the process.

Zorrawa Jefferson You have the inciting incident, the protagonist with a key adjective, the goal, the antagonists, and the stakes. You could add the obstacles and go into more detail about the social consequences.

Maurice Vaughan I would normally agree about adding consequences, but we understand the microcosm of high school. We all know what is coming, hell.

You've got a point, @Craig D Griffiths.

Spice it up...don't be afraid. World is mega-crazy ATM, you might wanna take advantage of it...