During their first date a man and woman engage in a vibrant discussion about gender roles and the notion that women are less athletic and less strong than a man. This dialogue takes an interesting turn when the woman challenges the man to a bench press contest.
Screenwriting : Log line feedback for my short Thank you by Don Zorbas
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Hey, Don Zorbas. Here’s a logline template that might help:
“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”
And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar about loglines called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).
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A challenge to a bench press contest is issued by a woman on a first date after a spirited discussion with her male suitor about gender roles, athletics and the strength differences between men and women takes over the dinner conversation.
4 people like this
Your logline hints that this is a classic romcom with two protagonists. In a short also she could be the hero.
A skinny girl is lectured on their first date how women are less athletic, until she challenges him into a contest, showing what the state champion does in bench press.
2 people like this
Keep it active, not passive. So Wal’s is my favorite so far. Still want to simplify.
A woman on a first date is mansplained about how females are less athletic, prompting her to propose a bench press contest.
Why are you making a logline for a short?
Lose the "dialogue" make some action. What about "Guy and a girl, both mute set a show-off challenge to determine once for all which sex is more dominant"...or something like that...
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During a bench pressing contest challenged on their first date a man and woman ———— but ———— forcing them to —————
You line was stuck in the first act. Unless the entire story is the date. Then it could be,
During their first date a ————— and the man ———— but the woman ———— resulting in a bench pressing competition to settle the age old man vs woman debate.
Give us detail of how the story moves.