Screenwriting : Help with logline please. by Murphy Ernst

A bitter North Korean four-star General risks losing everything to chase three protected ex-Army Rats living in a peaceful lakeside community. He contaminates the water supply, but his plan goes awry when he causes the residents to become distracted, irrational, and ultimately insane, before they close in, to eventually de-rank the General.

What is "ex-Army Tunnel Rats"?

Clarify "peaceful lakeside community thousands of miles away, "

Clarify, make this phrase more concrete "international incident "

A(insert adjective) North Korean four-star General risks an international incident to exact retribution upon three ex-Army Tunnel Rats living in a peaceful lakeside community thousands of miles away,

"Adjective" used to create an image of the protagonist.

I like what you have, Murphy, but suggest finishing it after …miles away and just add a sting - with catastrophic consequences- or something like? Good luck!!

Many thanks, very helpful indeed --

A N. Korean General risks an international incident to exact retribution upon three ex-soldiers by causing the residents of their village to go insane before delivering punishment. (I'd save the details for the synopsis.)

I hope I have tweaked the concept adequately. thank you kindly for helping me to clarify.

The water supply of an unsuspecting lakeside village in New Zealand is being contaminated causing the residents to become distracted, irrational, and ultimately insane, unaware that a North Korean four-star General's cold blooded revenge against three retired veterans of the Vietnam conflict, has led to them, and an international incident involving the New Zealand government.

Hi Murphy,

First off, a logline should be short and to the point so the rule of KISS applies - namely Keep It Simple Stupid. Basically, 25 -30 words max and should include these 4 things - Jeopardy (J), Hero (H), Goal (G), Antagonist (A)

'The Walking Dead'

In the wake of a zombie apocalypse (A) , survivors hold on to the hope of humanity (G) by banding together to wage a fight (H) for their survival.(J)

(25 words)

'Breaking Bad'

A high school chemistry teacher (H) dying of cancer (J) teams with a former student (A) to manufacture and sell crystal meth to secure his family's future (G).

(24 words)

Presently, you are not writing a logline but a mini-summary being a paragraph long. All the best

Bob

Thank you, Bob. Is this better? A foreign Military General contaminates a village water supply as an act of revenge, leading to an entire community at the brink of madness, and an international incident involving the New Zealand government --

is this sentence grammatically correct for the screenplay format? BILL BAILUS (19) (ex-Australian) is the type of man to whom chaos and trouble find him often

Sorry, that was foolish, it was a question for chatGPT.

Right now it's a North Korea propaganda movie. :-)

A foreign Military General (H) contaminates a village water supply (J) as an act of revenge (G), leading to an entire community (A) at the brink of madness, and an international incident involving the New Zealand government (A)

Christopher Lockhart was a guest Speaker on Stage 32. Here is a classic article he wrote on writing Loglines:

Link:

chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/https://www.badassbeatboards.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/I-WROTE-A-120-PAGE-SCRIPT-BUT-CANT-WRITE-A-LOGLINE-2020.pdf

Alternate LINK:

https://www.badassbeatboards.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/I-WROTE-A-12...

I hope it's not perceived as a North Korean propaganda movie unless, of course, Kim Jong-un calls and says he has the production costs in his pudgy little fingers... what'll I do?

Thanks for the chortle, Wal'.

My pleasure, Murphy. What you'll do? Your latest is good, so you do the same, but instead of describing what the bad guy wants, describe what the protagonist wants in the situation.

Bloody genius, Wal'. Thank you, kind sir. I think we may have nailed it.

"Three hapless veterans need to defend themselves, their community, and their sanity after their water supply is contaminated by a stealthy enemy with retribution to exact."

If you would consider a look see if you may consider collaboration, maybe this is a pie-in-the-sky idea, but I am hoping to find a writing partner, two, three... to create an awesome show -- max.ernst.massage@gmail.com - I would send you the first set piece, and by reading that, "you will know the truth, Neo."

Hi, Murphy Ernst. Here’s a logline template that might help you out:

“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story, and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story, and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).

Much appreciated, Maurice --

You're welcome, Murphy Ernst.

No one has asked yet, so I will. Is the general the main character? Is his goal to take out these three men, and everyone else is expendable to him? Just trying to get more context.

Great question, Mike. This has been like a quick tweak-fix masterclass for me -- from a short paragraph synopsis to twenty-three words -- I hope I nailed it -- we all know as writers, the wolf's breath is always on the napes of our necks -- breathing doubt --

Logline:

"After the villagers' water supply is contaminated, three hapless army veterans must find the vengeful Military Officer responsible before the community goes insane."

This is the result of all of the marvelous help I have received from kind and generous people, such as yourself.

Thanks again. But may I ask, is this the best I can do? In your opinion, or is it missing something else?

So with that new logline, your three veterans are the active ones, leading me to believe they’re the protagonists, and the general is the antagonist. Glad I asked for the clarification!

Now I would ask do the three men get equal attention (and arcs) or is one the main character and the others supporting?

Another good question, Mike, thank you. I broke it down further, discovering I need to minimalize one, here is the version I came up with (latest): "The water is contaminated, causing normal people to do abnormal things. Now, two dysfunctional residents fight against the current to uncover the vengeful man responsible, or the community will implode"

Seems to me that your story would be much stronger if A) your hero has to first discover what's causing the villagers to go insane and then B) stop who is causing this to happen, which should explain what the veteran did to make the general take such drastic action against the entire community as opposed to just killing the vet. If we know from the start that the water's toxic, then why wouldn't everyone just drink bottled water? Also, if the person/people getting deathly sick are his lover, wife, or child, then you really amp up the emotional intensity.

I took some liberties here but... LOGLINE: When the daughter of a disabled veteran becomes deathly ill, he's got to quickly find out who poisoned her and why.

I don't know if I got the gist of the story right but how about this:

"When the people in their village start going insane, two unlikely heros must stop a vengeful General from poisoning their water supply before the whole community wipes themselves out."

The people don't realize it because the poisoning has been gradual, and undetected. I added the word "uncover" because that's what they have to do. 25 to 30 words seems little real estate to explain how they discover it in the future. It's fascinating how much work one sentence can be. Ordinary citizens could never understand it.

This may be a big ask, and I am not fishing here, but I have never written a one or two-pager before, and if anyone has time to give it a flick over, is it good? An honest question?

I can email you Stage 32's written pitch examples, Murphy Ernst. If you're interested, DM me your email address.