I have a scene with dialogue from a TV show that in my opinion belongs there. But can I use it? You will see what I mean immediately --
-- GAYLE BAILUS (20) trundles through the open doorway in her silver wheelchair.
She holds a glass of water on the seat between her legs -- -- she watches him sleeping -- -- wheeling herself closer to his bed --
Doug has immediately fallen asleep -- shivers reside -- warming at last -- someone in the kitchen next door flicks through TV channels, all quick snap garbage --
GAYLE Doug. Wake up.
Doug opens his bloodshot eyes - the TV next door remains on two characters speaking -- GEORGE and MISTER WILHELM --
GAYLE Drink.
GEORGE (O.S.) I, uh, had relations with the cleaning woman in my office.
DOUG (closes his eyes) Leave me alone. I can’t drink anymore, no more...
MISTER WILHELM (O.S.) Relations? What does that mean?
Doug’s eyes struggle to open --
GEORGE (O.S.) You know, we were intimate. I'd like to think that I'm the first person who thought of it. You know, 'Hey, honey, you're working late. Why don't you come over and scrub my floors?
Doug watches her face change. He tries to make sense of how her face elongates -- her mouth puckers -- she snorts back the green slime missile to the back of her nose and throat -- -- SPIT -- the greenie SPLATS between Doug’s eyes -- sliming down to his cheek --
GEORGE (O.S.) Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?
GAYLE What?
Through the physical weakness, and the delirium of fever, her lips snarl at him -- The Bassett next door howls --
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Hi Murphy! Movies contain TV and film excerpts all the time. The producer will need to pay a licensing fee, which normally isn't a huge deal for most studios.
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What a great resource this is, I am new here, and it's things like this I've needed. Thank you, Chiuba, Onward I shall forge --
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I’m not too concerned with including Seinfeld clips in the screenplay. the dialogue is used well as counterpoint to the action. if you were using Seinfeld or similarly expensive-to-acquire clips constantly throughout the screenplay, then I’d be concerned.
I think it’s easy enough to imagine swapping this clip out for something more affordable, or inventing your own fake show to take its place. you may want to write that version to have as a backup.
I’m more concerned with the clarity of your writing, and how you jump between the TV audio and what’s happening in the room.
You say the TV is next door? I think we need to see it through the window at least at the beginning to set up the geography of where the TV is in relation to the characters.
You could say “An episode of Seinfeld plays on TV”. Do an action line before the first George line, “we hear the dialogue from the TV next door,” then identify them as TV Voice 1 and TV Voice 2. Seeing them identified as George and Mr Wilhelm threw me out of the main scene a bit.
Some of your description was too internal, overwritten for me. Could be pared down.
I looked over that, Mike, and I cannot see where it was too internal. Please, show me.
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IMO: Truth is every script goes through legal in pre-production; so avoid the obvious infractions and have at it. If it's not important to the story, nix it or make something up; but don't sweat it too much.
This segment:
"Doug watches her face change. He tries to make sense of how her face elongates -- her mouth puckers --"
At first I wasn't quite sure what was happening. I suppose that's something an actor could interpret, but "make sense of how her face elongates" is confusing grammatically.
Perhaps more clear would be something like:
Doug watches, quizzically, as Gayle's face contorts. Her mouth puckers --
Some other grammar questions.
Because I'm jumping into the script in the middle, I'm confused about who is sick. Was it Doug who had "shivers reside -- warming at last"? (That should be "recede.")But later... "Through the physical weakness, and the delirium of fever, her lips snarl at him --"
There you're suggesting Gayle as the person with weakness and fever. "Her lips" is the subject of the sentence, the other clause is describing how the lips are moving.