So I seem to be stuck in the dreaded "7" zone on the two scripts I've posted to the black list. I don't want to chase the "8" but I also want to be open to the notes given to me by the two readers of my latest script.
I would be incredibly appreciative for any thoughts on the evaluations (see below) and if you are willing and have the time, reading the actual script (also below). Thank you for your thoughts and advice on moving forward!
OVERALL: 7
6/ 10
PREMISE
6/ 10
PLOT
8/ 10
CHARACTER
8/ 10
DIALOGUE
8/ 10
SETTING
Strengths
The main strengths of this script lie in its setting, supporting cast, and dialogue. The time period and location of this story are extremely unique, almost marrying a classic gothic horror setting to the American Western. The writer makes great use of the creepy, desolate, and isolated manor alongside the real-life horrors of slavery alongside the more fantastical Frankenstein-esque existential and body horror. The supporting cast populating that world flesh it out even further. There are some really interesting characters with a lot of depth and nuance to them, particularly the (surprise) antagonist Morgan. He’s a bit too shrouded in mystery early on, but once his true nature is revealed, he becomes incredibly compelling, eloquent, and enjoyable to watch every moment he’s on the page. The dialogue is also very well-written. Each character has a unique voice that tells us more about them through what they say and how they say it, and the period dialogue helps cement the setting without ever feeling cliché or distracting to modern ears.
Weaknesses
The primary weaknesses of this script stem from aspects of its premise, pacing, and protagonist. As with many mystery movies, it can be hard to pitch or market what this movie is actually about without giving away the fun, big twists that come late in the story. The premise and pacing issues are tied closely together in that once the reveal of the true antagonist happens, Jane’s role in the story and the overall plot becomes immensely engaging, but before that, there isn’t a satisfying red herring plot to stand in its place. There is a sense that maybe some exorcist-type situation is happening with the pregnancy, and there is this weird werewolf chimera creature running around, but none of that is fleshed out or cemented enough on its own that you could confidently pitch the movie being about that alone to maintain the twist. Jane also struggles to take the spotlight in early sections of the script. She becomes incredibly relevant, compelling, and human by the end, but she is so reserved and passive, without much of a role in the plot, for a long stretch of the story, making it hard to feel as connected to her as we could once she takes the spotlight later.
Prospects
The writer is off to a great start with this project, delivering a script with a chilling setting, compelling supporting cast, and rich dialogue. However, some aspects of its premise, pacing, and protagonist may stand in the way of it reaching its full potential. Financially, there is a lot of potential here, as the writer has constructed a script with a commercial, plot-driven premise that has all the fun genre aspects that fans want to see while also managing to tell a unique and compelling, character-driven story with a setting unusual for the genre, ensuring critical attention as well. Creatively, there is a lot of great work already on the page, but a bit of revision could increase its chances of success. Another draft is recommended, with a focus on creating a believable red herring storyline that could be used to properly market and pitch the project, while also engaging audiences more in the early parts, so that the twist can be properly concealed while still projecting a fun and attractive plot beforehand. These new elements would also benefit from finding ways to get Jane more active and engaged in the story to showcase her character earlier.
OVERALL: 7
8/ 10
PREMISE
7/ 10
PLOT
8/ 10
CHARACTER
7/ 10
DIALOGUE
Strengths
SHADOWS OF MAN is an excellent reimagining of the Frankenstein story, especially since it isn't a direct retelling of the classic tale and instead takes some liberties that create interesting themes and plotlines. Specifically, setting the story in early 19th century Texas helps the project feel very unique, and draws some interesting connections between Morgan, Victor, Jane, and slavery. The script starts off with a bang, quickly establishing a big problem the characters need to solve (Nina's disease), compelling emotional reasons for them to solve it (Nina's and her child's lives), and complications to their plans (in the form of the beast). The script has excellent horror set pieces built around the beast's attacks, especially once it's revealed that it not only doesn't have any blood but also heals its wounds. The reveal of what Morgan is really doing and why he cares about Nina's life is excellent, especially once Jane goes into Victor's basement and establishes the story's clear connection with Frankenstein. Jane's kindness and heart make her a very compelling character.
Weaknesses
It isn't entirely clear what is happening to Nina, which makes it difficult for many characters to have clear goals and for the audience to fully invest in the script. It would help if Morgan explains what is happening to Nina (even if it's a lie) a little more thoroughly, especially in regard to what everyone needs to do to save her. Similarly, it's a little unclear what Morgan has done to Nina and what he still needs to do in order to claim his child. It might help if he explained this a little more thoroughly to Jane. Some of the script’s thematic messaging is unclear, particularly in regard to retelling the FRANKENSTEIN story in the United States, which causes the script’s climax and resolution to not be as impactful as it could be if the themes were clearer. It might help if some of the themes were more overtly stated or hinted at, especially toward the end. It isn't quite clear how the beast relates to Morgan, especially since Morgan expresses multiple times that he doesn't want to hurt or kill anybody. It would help if it was clearer why the beast is loose and if Morgan released it.
Prospects
Similar in some ways to FRANKENSTEIN or POOR THINGS, SHADOWS OF MAN is a clever retelling of the classic FRANKENSTEIN story. Horror fans should be interested in the beast and its gory attacks, as well as the script's excellent, gothic tone, whereas a wider audience could be interested in some of the themes and connections the script draws to antebellum Texas. The script has a relatively small cast but does feature some intense set pieces that might require enough special effects work to force this script into the mid-budget range, which could narrow the range of investors and producers interested in the script. Fortunately, SHADOWS OF MAN should be inexpensive enough that the budget shouldn't be too much of an issue. The script's setting is another strong selling point, especially if the themes surrounding it were cleared up. SHADOWS OF MAN is an intriguing idea, but more could be done to clear up some plot, character, and thematic elements. It should serve as an excellent sample for the writers even if it ends up not being produced.
Script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/19RA-7Yb94aXXZjVyuMlUMEOhEXTN8ZDi/view?u...
The notes they gave seem pretty specific as to what needs some work. Especially this:
Another draft is recommended, with a focus on creating a believable red herring storyline that could be used to properly market and pitch the project, while also engaging audiences more in the early parts, so that the twist can be properly concealed while still projecting a fun and attractive plot beforehand. These new elements would also benefit from finding ways to get Jane more active and engaged in the story to showcase her character earlier.
Without reading the script, what I "hear" when I read this, is that the story starts slow and Jane feels extraneous for a long time before her part in the plot becomes clear, and they're suggesting that could be remedied by developing a red herring that includes or revolves around Jane to both misdirect the audience and develop Jane's character more.
I'll try to find time to read the script today. Sending an access request to google docs. :)
Thank you for this! That's what I understood as well. Curious if you feel it is slow in the beginning as well when you read it. Which is super appreciated!
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Stephen Robinson Just finished reading your script. I loved it! My thoughts regarding the feedback and suggestions you received are:
The beginning is more suspenseful than slow.
Jane is a far more important character than is initially apparent in the beginning. So I do agree that she needs more earlier in the script.
Off the top of my head brainstorming: I think a workable red herring would be a play on the fact that she's a slave. We can assume she's illiterate and uneducated, therefore she could be superstitious or practice what her (Christian) owners would consider to be black magic. Maybe they bought her in New Orleans and she brought a voodoo practice with her so she makes voodoo dolls. You could put symbols in the slave quarters and show her practicing her superstitions or religious beliefs to try to offer protection to Nina and her baby, while the men punish her for it because they think she's doing something evil, misdirecting the viewer to suspect that she is the reason Nina appears to have been cursed. Maybe they catch her by Nina's bed performing a ritual or something.
Or:
I think more about her missing son has possibilities, too. Perhaps tied in to her superstitions in some way: like her son was sold away from her because she wouldn't give up her beliefs—so he could get a "proper Christian upbringing." Or maybe find a way to imply that her son was taken from her on Nina's command, so she has cause to want revenge so we can suspect that she cursed Nina and her unborn child.
I'm sure there are other options too, those are just the ones that popped into my head while I was reading. Other than that, I thought the story was very suspenseful, I was never bored or confused, and I could "see it in my head." I was a little sad though, that Morgan was incapable of loving his creation after going through all of that and causing so many deaths. But I guess that is the point of the question: Where does it come from? ;)
I hope this is helpful!
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The thing about BL and every script service is their readers write enough BS to make writers resubmit. That is what they want-repeat customers.
Hi Stephen. If your goal is to climb up the ladder of a pay-for review and script posting site, keep on going. My belief is there are more successful ways to get exposure than the pay-for services like BL, etc... There are sites out there doing exactly what BL is doing that cost nothing, making their intentions, IMO, a bit more reliable and legitimate. Write on!
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Sallie Olson Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. I really appreciate the feedback and great suggestions. I've conducted several reading groups on this script and they all say it's very engaging and suspenseful the whole way through. So just trying to navigate the blacklist evaluations that seem slightly different.
Matthew Kelcourse Thank you for that advice. Which sites do you suggest exactly?
Hi Stephen. Outside of 32, one of the best (and often visited by pros looking for projects) would be Coverfly. Joining is free, reviews with notes by third parties ($), script exchanges with other spec writers (free), Red List (best of thousands), respectable competitions, OWAs, etc... worth checking out.
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Franklin Lenard is on Reddit. He says something like 75% of screenplays get a 7. So it is not a bad thing, just average. So a good place to start from.
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Although I'm new to screenwriting, I have been through the beta reading process with my five books and a handful of short-stories, as well as doing a LOT of beta reading myself, for many other authors, and there's some things I've noticed over the past decade that I think apply to any kind of writing and beta-reading.
1. Everyone has an opinion, but not everyone's opinion is valid or useful.
2. The author needs to trust their own instincts and be the final decision maker. After all, it's their story and they are the one that owns the success or failure of the story. But they're wise to keep an open mind and give honest consideration to every suggestion.
3. Not every beta reader has the guts to tell you what they think; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
4. Many beta readers will sing praises no matter what because they...see #3.
5. Some beta readers know if they or do or don't like a story or a character, but they can't articulate "why" or make actionable suggestions in a way that is useful.
6. Beta readers who have the guts to speak their mind, AND have the ability to identify problems, articulate WHY it's a problem, AND make viable suggestions that are in line with the author's intentions or goals for the story, without trying to rewrite the story the way they think it should be...are worth their weight in gold.
I'm not familiar enough with the BL to know how important it is or if the feedback/opinions they provide carry much weight in terms of selling a script. Are these readers people who have direct access to the final decision makers?
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The Black list uses professional industry readers, not casual feedback.
That being said, there are two goals: get decent 8+ ratings that will generate producer reads from the professional members and make various top lists. Second, get reads based on genre and meta tags (500+) and the category ratings that will help industry pros find your material.
As an example, a 7 overall rating on horror might still get reads based on the tags, but not necessarily for a different genre with other standards like drama. A high concept rating might still get reads even if the other ratings are average. It will depend on how people are using the search engine.
Franklin often tells people that after you're receiving your ratings and you're not getting any reads, then you should take the script down to avoid generating unnecessary monthly fees.