Screenwriting : Looking for some Logline feedback by Rachel Meyers

Raises a lot of questions about the story without being clear about what the story is. Who has been murdered by her parents and why? What was it about the streets that led her to seek refuge? What atrocities, what dark influences? How can her parents influence her anyway; hasn't she left them behind? The notions presented are too vague. You want to intrigue readers to read further, but without making them wonder what it's about. Don't try to convey the entire scope of the story and plot; what is the main character's central conflict? "An abused teen runaway must confront the atrocities of a group home while trying to remain hidden from her murderous parents." Simple, brief, clear stakes. Would make me want to read more to find out what happens.

Thank you very much. Ill work on reducing the open ended questions.

A young teen finds refuge in a group home for runaways. While there, she discovers the atrocities that take place forcing her to confront her dark past to survive. How's that for a more clear picture?

Andy makes some points and I think it can be more precise but the real question I have - are the atrocities in the group home or with her parents? How about: While in a group home for runaways a teen discovers atrocities which force her to confront her past for the sake of survival. OR A runaway teen is confronted with atrocities in a group home which force her to confront her murderous parents in order to survive. I find that a good logline is detailed without giving away details.

thank you for your help and ideas!

Rachel -- you want to give the reader some sense of the goals of your protagonist, and the obstacles preventing your protagonist from reaching those goals. A hook or some irony would help too. Something that will set your logline apart from the rest. "A teen runaway with a dark past must use her instincts of survival or face a darker future in a group home with unspeakable atrocities."

Thank you very much Chuck. I will keep working on it.

Rachel fyi... https://www.facebook.com/groups/145170928866293/

Sounds good.

How about this for a change in title and logline: Amber’s Fury Amber uses the skills of her psychopath parents to exact vengeance on a couple profiting from child sex slaves. I think that is much more direct in what will happen in the film and gives the genre right away.

awesome! thank you! =)

New logline implies she sends her psycho parents after the couple as one might order an attack dog, doesn't tell us anything about Amber except her name (which we don't need to know in a logline and is already in the new title so we know it anyway), and doesn't indicate Amber's connection to this couple. Also, using the phrase "child sex slaves" will turn off any normal person because who would want to read about that or consider it entertaining? I don't want to be Mr. Negative on this but you're missing the point of a logline. Who is your protagonist, what is her challenge, what is at stake? That's it. You don't need anything else. That's the story. If the screenplay can't be summarized with this information in a single sentence, you may need to rethink your screenplay.

Hi Andy- I love negative feedback! Just to clarify " uses the skills of her psychopath parents" implies to you that she is using her parents and not what she learned from her parents? I know most normal people want to see people who hurt kids removed from existence which is why I chose those words and to be very blunt. I can work on it tho. Also I was told to use the protagonist in the logline but I can see what you mean with her name already there. Yet how would you know that I wasn't talking about another character within the story rather than the protagonist? I will keep working on it. Thank you for the feedback!

A young runaway finds refuge within a group home run by a lovely couple. She discovers their dark secrets which forces her to confront her past and utilize the skills she had so desperately tried to suppress to survive. Is that a bit better? More than one sentence but I've seen ones much longer.

Wow! I can say your logline is absolutely fine as is. You may find adding a descriptive word here in there may help, but I got it and I'm sure you made it perfectly clear to everyone what you wanted to convey. Good work!

"...skills of her parents..." means the skills her parents possess. If you want to indicate Amber is using skills learned from her parents, that's what you need to say. Yes, you should use the protagonist in the logline, but you need to define her. The name tells us nothing. Even "young runaway" is vague; young compared to what? She has to be a minor or she wouldn't be considered a runaway, so in that sense aren't all runaways young? Or do you mean she's young compared to other runaways, like she's 4 and not 14? This is why I included the word 'teen' in my example. Help a reader out, narrow it down. Be as specific as possible with as few words as needed. Why would a lovely couple have dark secrets? What is it about this young runaway's past she must confront? What skills has she suppressed she now needs? You're being too vague again. Vague terms don't make people interested in reading the script, they make people wonder what the script is actually about - but only for as long as it takes to read the logline, because they immediately move on and forget about it. If you want to capture someone's attention you need to intrigue them, not confuse them. What is it about your story that makes it compelling? Tell us that, and you'll intrigue us.

Ok, I see your perspective. Would you be able to provide me an example of what you consider a great logline that leaves nothing to question and explains exactly what the entire film is about in a single sentence or two? That way I can more clearly understand why there should be nothing left to the imagination or to question. What intrigues me about a logline is the wording that allows me to want to figure out how and why something happens or is going on, which is why I pick a movie to watch. For example, "In the dreams of his victims, a spectral child murderer stalks the children of the members of the lynch mob that killed him." This logline prompts many questions like: why was he killed? how does he get into their dreams? Why does he kill them in their dreams and not just as a ghost which is what a specter is? Who exactly are the victims? Are the victims children(which would be 4-12)? and so on. I hope you don't mind me chatting with you about this. I really want to better my ability and really want to learn. I am hoping to use these experiences and sharing of ideas to better not only this script but also the ones to follow. The more you can rip my work apart the better I will become. I truly appreciate you taking the time to chat and explain and question my work. Thank you again!

It isn't that there should be nothing left to the imagination - you want to provide enough detail to get people interested in the script but not so much there are no surprises once they read it. And you have to make sure the information you do include is clear. I should know what your story's about from reading the logline without having to ask follow-up questions merely to get the gist of it. Here's an example: A police chief must find a way protect his island community from a killer shark. There you have your protagonist, antagonist, conflict, and stakes. It doesn't tell the whole story, but it doesn't need to - it shouldn't. It's enough to get people interested, and is pretty clear about what happens, in general, in the story. That's all you need. And you use adjectives to provide important detail in the briefest manner.

Thank you Andy. I will keep refining my work. I have a few books that I keep going back to for guidance but I find that talking to people helps more. You have helped me a great deal with this. I know this first script is my sounding board to screw up and learn from. I will apply all that you have suggested to my work. Again thank you so much for all of your help and time with this.